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Wednesday Evening News From Idiot's Branch, WV

The Jay Leno Show

● Huge protests and hundreds of arrests at the U.N. Climate Change Conference in Denmark. At one point it got so bad, police had to put an Al Gore speech on loudspeakers to try and sedate the crowd.

● The government of Iran is combating thousands of student protesters by slowing their Internet access to a crawl. You know how they did it? They switched the whole country to AOL.

● I thought this was nice. I saw Prancer, Dancer and Vixen on TMZ today. Not the reindeer. Just the latest women linked to Tiger Woods.

● The latest speculation is that Tiger Woods may be trying to rekindle his marriage by taking his wife on a cruise on his yacht. You know, before it becomes her yacht.

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

● Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing e-mails from President George W. Bush’s administration. You can tell the e-mails are from the Bush administration because they all begin, “Dear Santa.”

● New York City is encouraging people to ride bikes to work by requiring office buildings to allow bicycles in elevators. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles, they’re working on a new plan that will require people to drive two cars to work.

● The number of text messages sent in the United States has increased more than 52 times in the last six years. That’s amazing — another record set by Tiger Woods.

● The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods is trying to patch things up with his wife by offering to have another baby together. Apparently, Tiger told his wife, “Come on — I’ve been practicing like crazy.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Regis is Passing the Time While Recovering From Hip Surgery

10. It's none of your **** business

9. Annoying the hell out of Joy

8. Watching movies on Lifetime and crying my eyes out

7. Making my Craftmatic adjustable bed go up and down, up and down, up and down

6. Forging doctor's signature to get extra morphine

5. While gazing into next door apartment window I witnessed a murder

4. Listening to my new CD, "Regis & Joy: Just You, Just Me," in stores everywhere

3. Wandering streets asking strangers if they want to see my scar

2. Thanking God for my daily sponge baths from Gelman

1. I'm sitting here bored out of my mind. Why do you think I'm talking to you?

Late Show with David Letterman

● This week, a White House official said the recession is over. And then another White House official said no, it’s definitely not over. And you wonder how those party crashers got in.

● The White House announced that the Guantanamo Bay detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. This really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics.

● It’ll be the first time someone has gone from Cuba to Illinois who didn’t pitch for the Cubs.

● Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. She doesn’t believe it’s true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

● Over the weekend, a new alleged mistress came forward. That is 14 now, which, I think, makes Tiger Woods eligible for a free six-foot sub.

● All over the country this week, high school-aged boys are quitting the football team and taking up golf.

● Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world and deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately he’s being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman.

● Yeah, President Obama was at a Home Depot. He said he was looking for the perfect shovel to whack Joe Lieberman in the head with.

● There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama’s getting ready to host the administration’s first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish.

● Did you hear this? Arnold Schwarzenegger is criticizing Sarah Palin for calling global warming “bogus.” It’s really confusing. I mean, the last time I saw Sarah Palin fighting with the Terminator, I was drunk on Halloween.

Re: Wednesday Evening News From Idiot's Branch, WV

Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization


"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'" --David Letterman

"At the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks....This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno

"There was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease.” –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said on the 'Today' show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this - the subways weren’t safe before swine flu." –David Letterman

"Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed -- Joe Biden's office." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno

"President Obama says his daughters will take care of the dog, but who picks up the dog's poop after the kids go to sleep? Well, that duty will fall on a low-level employee with nothing else to do. Joe Biden's going to be cleaning up." --Craig Ferguson

The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion. Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." --Conan O'Brien

"It's Vice President-elect Joe Biden's birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can't say anything stupid." --Craig Ferguson

"Late last night, Sen. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of these United States. And even if you are a Republican or a member of one of the small crazy people parties, you could find something to be happy about, whether it's that we have our first-ever African-American president or even that we have our first vice president with hair plugs." --Jimmy Kimmel

"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another." --Jay Leno

"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nailin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nailin Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up." --Jay Leno

"In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!" --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years." --David Letterman

"And they say that Barack Obama now is a little down in the polls. Now this is a surprise, because after they announced the vice presidential candidate, they were hoping to get that Joe Biden bounce. Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce -- that'll get you impeached." --David Letterman

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the 'full package,' that's what she called him, that's the actual term she used, she called him the 'full package.' Now he's getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, the Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney, okay?" --Jay Leno

"As you know, John McCain is an older white haired man who has been in the Senate over 20 years, voted for the Iraq war, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on. I'm sorry, I got confused." --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama 'the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history." --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he'd rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he'd rather be home making love to Joe Biden's wife too." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032." --Jay Leno

"There was another big Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Seven candidates on stage debating. Seven, which, sadly, for Joe Biden, is the biggest crowd he's ever drawn." --Jay Leno

"A team of astronauts, engineers and scientists have asked the United Nations to make plans to deflect a giant asteroid that could hit Earth on April 13, 2036. There's a one in 45,000 chance it could hit. So it's about the same chance Joe Biden has of being president." --Jay Leno

"Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? 'I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?'" --Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman


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