Labor Dept: Available Labor Rate Increases To 10.2%

December 5, 2009 | Issue 45•49
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WASHINGTON—In what is being touted by the Labor Department as extremely positive news, the nation's available labor rate has reached double digits for the first time in 26 years, bringing the total number of potentially employable Americans to an impressive 15.7 million.
Enlarge Image Solis

Hilda Solis briefs the press corps on the unprecedented level of untapped manpower.

"This is such an exciting time to be an employer in America," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, adding that every single day 6,500 more citizens join America's growing possible workforce. "There's such a massive and diverse pool of job-ready Americans to choose from. And each month the number only gets higher."

"While our current available labor rate of 10.2 percent isn't quite as robust as it was in 1982 or 1933, we're happy to say that reaching that benchmark is no longer out of the realm of possibility," Solis continued.

According to the Department of Labor's report, nearly 200,000 more Americans suddenly became fully hirable in October alone. And November saw unprecedented gains in the number of high-quality auto workers, teachers, lawyers, part-time retailers, and even doctors who could be employed.

The report also explained that, because of the booming would-be-employee market, college graduates are having an easier time than ever joining the ranks of those ready and able to receive monetary compensation for work performed at some point.
Enlarge Image Labor Chart

Moreover, it found that, while all Americans were benefiting in some way from the new trend, the nation's African Americans appeared to be in the best position to take advantage of the upward swing in potential employment, with 15.7 percent of all black citizens now situated to have a chance of becoming wage-earners someday.

"We are very lucky to be living in a time when so many people can just go out whenever they feel like it and get a job application," Deputy Labor Secretary Seth Harris announced. "Compare that to the late '60s or late '90s, when the available labor rate plummeted to 4 percent and employers didn't have their pick of millions upon millions of Americans dying to put on a hard hat or suit jacket for practically peanuts."

Added Harris, "Those were scary times in America."

Though Labor sources said the new figures were encouraging, officials were quick to point out that the exact number of those now possessing the capacity to be offered work someday is actually much higher.

"Our findings don't take into account all the men and women who are available for work but haven't applied for a job in the last month," Solis said. "That's another 2.4 million Americans out there who can proudly say they wake up every day, get their kids ready for school, and then sit in their living rooms praying for the phone to ring."

Solis told reporters she is also encouraged by the vast number of citizens in every state who are willing to take jobs beneath their personal dignity and education level.

The Labor Secretary cited the fact that California boasts an impressive available labor force of more than 2 million citizens, while in Oregon, 11.5 percent of the state is ready to fill out a growing stack of empty W-2 forms. In Michigan, more than 15 percent of all citizens said they could start work either today, tomorrow, or right this very second if that's what it takes.

"I'll do anything," said Ohio resident Garret Landry, who was last not available for steady employment more than 10 months ago. "Seriously, anything. Cars? I could learn how to fix cars. Manual labor? An office job? Just say the word and I'm there."

"I'll transcribe what you're writing for $50," Landry added. "Okay, $25."

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Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup

November 16, 2009 | Issue 45•46
Ketchup

Ketchup is not, as many seem to believe, an unlimited commodity.



WASHINGTON—In an effort to cut condiment expenses and address the gluttony, waste, and utter lack of self-restraint exhibited by Americans, officials from the fast food industry announced Monday a new policy prohibiting all customers from dispensing their own ketchup.

"We thought our patrons were responsible enough to handle a self-service ketchup pump," said McDonald's CEO James A. Skinner, who claimed that fast food industry leaders were partially to blame for overestimating the maturity of the American public. "However, after watching the way you disgusting people behave when entrusted with a little independence, it's clear that we made a terrible mistake."

"Unlimited access to ketchup is a privilege," Skinner continued, "not a right."

According to representatives from the nation's six largest fast food chains, Americans use more than $18 million worth of ketchup per year, with nearly $7 million of the tomato-based condiment ending up smeared on the backs of chairs, on nearby tables, or in the hair of small children, and in some cases simply spilt in large, repulsive puddles on the floor.

In all, some 220 factors were cited by the American Fast Food Association in their decision to remove the self-service pumps. Among them, the spectacular failure on the part of all patrons to recognize their own limits, and the tendency, among many men and women, to just squirt out the free condiment as if their lives depended on it.
Enlarge Image Ketchup Form

From now on, those seeking extra ketchup will be required to submit a non-stained written application.

"We tried to treat our customers like adults, and they took advantage of our generosity," said Burger King CEO John W. Chidsey, who was visibly upset after hearing that Americans use on average 14 ounces of ketchup per fast food meal. "What's wrong with you people? Were you scared it was going to run out or something?"

"Look, it's not even about the ketchup, okay?" Swette added. "It's about setting some boundaries for once."

Beginning Nov. 12, all participating fast food restaurants will begin serving a maximum of two ketchup packets with any hamburger-based meal. If a patron desires additional ketchup, he or she will have to fill out a special three-page Ketchup Request Form, which must then be presented to a manager on duty for evaluation.

In addition to specifying the reason for their request, customers will have to present fast food officials with two forms of valid ID, their social security number, and a signature from a third-party witness who can attest to there being enough remaining ketchup-free food to necessitate an additional packet. Only when all conditions are met will a patron receive a condiment voucher.

Patrons requesting barbecue sauce to dip their fries in will be escorted from the premises immediately.

"Our scientists don't spend countless hours manufacturing the food we serve just to have it dunked and drowned in obscene amounts of ketchup," said J. David Karam, president of Wendy's International. "Can customers even taste the dipropyl ketone or amyl acetate in our food anymore? It makes me sick."

Reaction to the new condiment policy has been overwhelmingly negative thus far, with some patrons claiming they would sooner eat lunch at home than frequent a fast food establishment that imposes limits on their ketchup consumption.

"This is outrageous," said Tennessee resident Sheila Hodge, a longtime fast food consumer. "If I want to gorge myself on so much ketchup that I need to vomit, then that should be my God-given right. This is McDonald's we're talking about. Half the reason I come here in the first place is so I can behave like a total animal."

At press time, the Arby's chain was continuing to let customers freely operate their "horsey sauce" dispenser, as nobody in America has touched that **** in years.