Late Night Jokes from Newsmax.com


The Jay Leno Show

● In the last 24 hours we’ve heard California is going broke, the collar is collapsing, swine flu is out of control . . . so happy Friday the 13th everybody!

● President Obama is in Japan today. Apparently he’s meeting with the Big Three automakers.

● Some car manufacturers now have a device that if the driver is drunk, the car will not start. Why can’t we get this technology for airplanes? Where’s United Airlines?

● Sarah Palin is going to be on the “Oprah Winfrey Show” on Monday. Not to be outdone, John McCain will be going on “The Dr. Oz Show” to get a prostate exam.

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

● This morning in Los Angeles, more than 100 truck-drivers staged a protest by intentionally driving their trucks super slowly on the freeway. This created the worst traffic jam in Los Angeles since yesterday morning.

● Next week when President Obama is in China he’s going to hold a “town-hall” meeting with Chinese citizens. Their first question for Obama is expected to be, “Why would anyone have two daughters?”

● President Obama is also expected to meet with the leaders of China and discuss “freedom of expression, freedom of religion, and rule of law.” And the Chinese leaders are expected to laugh.

● Fox News announced that they are not interested in hiring outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs. Also not interested in hiring Lou Dobbs, the band Los Lobos.

Late Show with David Letterman

● They say Friday the 13th is bad luck — and today, I saw a black cat crossing in front of me wearing a swine flu mask.

● Opening today in theaters: “2012.” The world is ending in the movie; the apocalypse has arrived . . . and still no healthcare reform.

● There’s another new movie out: “Men Who Stare at Goats.” I think that’s what the Taliban called their online dating.

● Thanksgiving is coming. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is getting ready for Thanksgiving. She was on the “Rachael Ray” show earlier showing the right way to stuff a moose.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

● The movie “2012” is out. It’s based on the Mayan belief that the world will end in 2012. Keep in mind that the Mayans also believe the oceans would run dry and a jaguar would eat the sun.

● The Mayans also believed Jon and Kate would last forever.

● The Mayans themselves actually ended much earlier: They were wiped out by the Spanish. They didn’t predict that, did they?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

● Today is Friday the 13th. This is the third Friday the 13th of 2009 already. I blame Obama for that. We never had three Friday the 13ths under President Bush.

● I’m not sure why Friday the 13th is unlucky . . . I think it’s because of Hitler. I think it was the day he grew the mustache.

● Scientists found out that the moon has significant amounts of water on it . . . and may even have a couple of Starbuckses on it.

● The discovery could have huge implications for space travel, and also for Spring Break — the moon could be the new Cancun if they play their cards right.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

● It’s Friday the 13th. Lots of people are superstitious about the number 13. President Franklin Roosevelt refused to travel on the 13th of the month and would never host 13 guests at a meal. And President Bush wasn’t allowed to see any movie rated PG-13.

● CNN announced today that political reporter John King will replace Lou Dobbs. King said, “I’m excited to report the political landscape.” And Dobbs said, “I’m excited to report my landscaper to immigration.”

● President Obama arrived in Tokyo today where he held meetings with Japan’s Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama. Hatoyama said it was just nice to meet with a U.S. president who didn’t ask if he had any Pokemon cards.

● Germany will send 120 soldiers to northern Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban, and, out of habit, France surrendered.

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

This Little Piggy

* This little piggy went to market.
* This little piggy stayed at home.
* This little piggy had roast beef.
* This little piggy had none.
* And this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found ut that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.


* Swine flu is spread by capitalist pigs.
* I had a bad day yesterday, I made a pig's ear of everything I tried.
* I think I have the swine flu. I have the sudden urge to eat bacon.
* I think I have swine flu: I've broken out in rashers.
* Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
* Will there be a mass outbreak of Human/Avian Swine flu? When pigs fly…
* Swine Fever is a song by Piggy Lee. [Peggy Lee had a hit with 'You give me fever']
* For a normal flu, we say "achoo", but for swine flu we say "achoink".

The Latest "Pig Flu" Movie TitlesSwine flu pig flag

* Swinedler's List
* Pig Trouble In Little Mexico
* Silence of the Hogs
* In Ham's Way
* Babe: Death In The City
* Swiney Hog, Demon Butcher Of Fleet Street
* Memoirs Of A Butcher
* Snout Of Africa

All will star Kevin Bacon


Ode to Tamiflu, by Hugo Houseago
♪

Harry Houseago, 13, a pupil at Alleyn's school in Dulwich, south London, England, which has closed because of swine flu fears, has written a song about Tamiflu, the anti-viral drug issued to all students as a precaution. Here we present his swine flu ode in verse form:

Lying at home in my bed
When I should be having maths instead
But they've closed up my school
'Cos some children were sneezing
And they got us believing
That we'll all be ill and get the swine flu

The doctors gave us some pills
Saying 'This is so you won't get ill'
So stay at home
Study on your own
Oh Tamiflu, what did you do?
I was fine before you came along
And now I've got a pain in my head
So I think I'd better stay in bed

I get to watch the TV
And no one bothers me
I fall asleep and wake up feeling queasy
And ev'rything's reeling,
It's not very pretty
I'll have to go ... to the loo again

I remember they gave us pills
Saying 'This is so you won't get ill'
But now I know
This is worse than any cold
Oh Tamiflu, it's down to you
That I'm feeling slightly nauseous
And now I've got a pain in my head
So I think I'd better stay in bed.