The Jay Leno Show

● Can you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected president? There’s been some changes. He’s new slogan is now, "Yes, We Can, but Don't Hold Your Breath. It’s Going to Be a Little While.”

● Secretary of State Hillary Clinton scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after al-Qaida and just pretending they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch! Imagine Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see.

● The White House has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. If this works, they're going to try the same plan with members of Fox News.

● Actually the program has a catchy title. It’s called, “Don't Ask, Don't Taliban.”

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

● A year ago today Barack Obama was elected president. In one short year, Obama’s slogan has gone from “Yes We Can” to “Wow This Is Freakin’ Hard!”

● Reporters say that President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and new photographs show that he’s lost a lot of weight. If this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people.

● Former President Bush is in Japan and he was met by protestors carrying signs that said, “Arrest Bush” and “Bush Is a War Criminal.” When he saw the signs, Bush said, “Thanks for making me feel at home.”

● Walt Disney Theme Parks have started giving visually impaired visitors a hand-held device that describes the attractions they are seeing. Apparently it’s a tape-recorder that keeps repeating, “You are standing in a line of 300 people."

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Least Popular Musical Standards Presented By Michael Buble

10. "Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, Northwest pilots are napping, or web surfing when they fly"
9. "I had trouble fittin' into my new pants, so I returned them to J.Crew.com"
8. "When you hear it explained, that the ice caps have waned, that's Al Gore"
7. "Ev'ry time I check my 401k, I die a little"
6. "Too darn hot, I'm too darn hot, my temperature is a-hundred-and-two, my body aches and my lips have turned blue, I hallucinate talking kangaroos, missed my flu swine shot"
5. "Bernie — pension reamer, Ponzi schemer — you *******, Bernie, you robbed the old and poor, and now you're inmate 61727-054"

3. "S'wonderful, s'marvelous, we're almost done, with this lame list"
2. "Don't know why, claimed his son was in the sky, insane balloon dad"
1. "For $37.95 this was mine, you can't take it, I feel more alive when I'm wearing my Slanket, I don't need nothin' else, now that I've got a blanket with sleeves"

Late Show with David Letterman

● The ratings for the World Series are tremendous. I know this: The Mets are at home watching . . .

● Ratings are so good, Fox offered Melky Cabrera the 10 p.m. slot.

● Al Gore, winner of the Nobel Prize, is on the show. I wish he were here last night. I could have used the help. During the course of the show, the climate went from bad to worse.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

● There’s a new poll out on the sexiest accent. It’s the Irish accent. I thought, “No way! It’s not even an accent; they’re just drink.”

● It’s Japanese Culture Day. I celebrate every year: I put on a kimono and giggle like a Japanese school girl.

● I’ve never understood Japanese dining. I always thought it was a put-on. “Let’s see if we can get these people to eat raw fish with sticks . . . and then get them to drink hot wine . . . and then we’ll make them sit on the floor without shoes . . .”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

● Today was election Day. It’s not like the last election I voted . . . you don’t text in your vote . . .

● Everyone who voted got an “I Voted” swine flu mask.

● It looks like New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg will win a third term. He spent the most on the election in New York history . . . just barely exceeding the New York Yankees salary cap.

Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

The Obama Economy is So Bad...


The Obama economy is so bad...that the President is changing his slogan to "Hope and Spare Change!"


The Obama economy is so bad...that Nancy Pelosi is selling earmarks for 1/2 price.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Saturday Night Live is thinking about telling an Obama joke.

The Obama economy is so bad...that the President is running a small business on the side. It's called GM.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Rosie O'Donnell is losing weight.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Kenya now claims he wasn't born there.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Al Gore is selling carbon credits on late night television.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Bill Ayers has to make do with M-80s.

The Obama economy is so bad...that the White House plans to cut Hillary Clinton's hours.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Barack's pyramid is on hold.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Michelle fired her nanny and learned her children's names.

The Obama economy is so bad...that the airlines are installing pay toilets in coach.

The Obama economy is so bad...that you can order checks pre-marked "Insufficient Funds."

The Obama economy is so bad...that Congress is planning a spare change for clunkers program.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Americans are being caught sneaking into Mexico.

The Obama economy is so bad...that the Chicago mob is laying off judges.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Jesse Jackson is renting a limo.

The Obama economy is so bad...that it only takes one lick to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.

The Obama economy is so bad...that they now ask at the burger counter, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The Obama economy is so bad...that the federal stimulus checks are bouncing.

The Obama economy is so bad...that banking executives are playing miniature golf.

The Obama economy is so bad...that the CEO of Wal-Mart was seen shopping at Wal-Mart.

The Obama economy is so bad...that one of the the best paying jobs nowadays is jury duty.

The Obama economy is so bad...that even people who aren't in the Cabinet have stopped paying taxes.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Michael Vick is working at Petco.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Al Sharpton cuts his own hair.

The Obama economy is so bad...that McDonald's has a layaway plan.

The Obama economy is so bad...that Bill Clinton watches scrambled porn.



The Latest Obama Jokes

(Contributed or inspired by readers.)


Q. How many Obamas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Hey, if Obama’s in the room, who needs a light bulb?

Tip o'the hat to The Plainsman



Obama goes into a bar and starts pounding some brewskis. Gets up to leave and the bartender says “Hey, how about taking care of this tab?” Obama says, “How much is it?” Bartender says, “Rounding down, about eleven trillion dollars.” Obama says, “My grandchildren’ll drop by in about 40 years to take care of it.”

Tip o'the hat to The Plainsman



Why did Obama cross the road?

To apologize for his side of the road.

Tip o'the hat to The Plainsman



It's August in Washington and the temperature is 97 degrees. Obama's been working hard all day and decides to step out onto the South Portico for a smoke. The second he steps out the door he's hit by a blast of the humid, searing heat and at the same moment he steps in an enormous steaming heap of dog mess that Bo has deposited on the porch. He looks down and says, "My God, I'm melting!"

Tip o'the hat to The Plainsman


BREAKING NEWS: This just in!!!

Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!!!

Tip o'the hat to Steve


The secret service code for the arrival of Air Force One: The ego has landed!

Tip o'the hat to Nita


President Obama was stopped by DC police while on his way to Congress to show Speaker Pelosi his Nobel Peace Prize. According to a police spokesperson, when questioned by police as to how he came to possess the prize, President Obama could give "no credible answer".

Tip o'the hat to Mark


Q: What is the best thing about cash for clunkers?

A: It took most of the Obama stickers off the road.

Tip o'the hat to Kyle


Obama is giving a speech to schoolchildren and he hears someone shout "You Lie"

Obama continues and again he hears "you lie"

Suddenly Nancy Pelosi Jumps up and says who said that. Next time I hear "You Lie",

I am going to kick that student out and you won’t be able to hear the president’s speech

Obama continues and suddenly every student in the school is heard to shout, "You Lie"

Tip o'the hat to Kyle


Q. Why is Obama like an old bra ?

A. Because of lost support, every day.

Tip o'the hat to Benny


HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you:

'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

Tip o'the hat to Bart


Obama running health care is like Michael Vick running the dog pound.

Tip o'the hat to Sofawhisperer


President Obama is the only leader taking comprehensive action to stop greenhouse gas emissions: He's steadily putting everyone out of work.

Tip o'the hat to Neil



*********************

Obama Tax Jokes


"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit Obama's national debt." -- Tip o'the hat to Herbert Hoover


Based on his performance in office so far, President Obama should do just fine on his future tax returns. After all, he will be able to write off his second term.


It's too bad that we can't buy stock in the federal tax system. With Obama as president that will be only thing sure to go up.


President Obama is angrily calling for more federal tax increases. He just heard from his advisors that some American taxpayers weren't completely broke yet.


The best things in life are free but President Obama's tax advisors are working hard trying to solve that problem.


Barack Obama isn't planning on buying TurboTax®. Obama can turbocharge our taxes all by himself.


President Obama's tax return should list Bill Ayers and Reverend Wright as dependents.


President Obama plans to start printing income tax forms on Kleenex, so it will be easier for us to pay through the nose.


President Obama has just announced that he has a new plan to simplify the tax code. From now on only the Republicans will have to have to pay any taxes.


Q. Who should be listed as the most expensive dependent on your tax return?

A. President Obama.


President Obama will make it a lot easier for most people to do their income taxes next year. No jobs, no income.


Under Obama everyone in America will be working for the government. Democrats will be on the payrolls and Republicans will be on the tax rolls.


In the interest of full disclosure, President Obama's should declare all of the fawning media coverage he's received so far as a gift on his tax return.


Despite what some people are claiming, this country is just as free under the Obama presidency as it ever was . . . unless you happen to be a taxpayer.


If President Obama listed free enterprise on his tax return, it would have to be listed as a liability. That's because he just writes it off.


Today the IRS released new guidelines on how to avoid audits while Obama is the president. Number one - Don't list excessive deductions. Number two - File your return on time. Number three - Register to vote as a Democrat.


Judging by his wild spending so far, President Obama has apparently decided that it is easier to trim the taxpayers than to trim federal spending.


Don't think of it as paying more taxes. Think of it as giving Obama a big tip.


Thanks to President Obama we will become a more honest people. Once we're all jobless there won't be any point in lying on our tax returns.


Next year's "stimulus" tax return will fit on a postcard.


* How much money did you make?
* Mail it in.


President Obama intends to reward ambition. With higher taxes.


Now that Obama is the President you can still get ahead if you get up early in the morning, work late every day and hit the lottery.