United Airlines Exploring Viability Of Stacking Them Like Cordwood




CHICAGO—In its ongoing effort to cut transportation costs and boost profits, United Airlines announced Tuesday that it was exploring the feasibility of herding them into planes and stacking them like cordwood from floor to ceiling.
Enlarge Image United Airlines

In-flight amenities will still include the breathable pressurized air United is known for.

"Research shows that we lose millions of dollars each month by having them all sit upright in individual seats for the duration of the flight," said CEO Glenn F. Tilton, speaking to reporters at United Airlines' corporate headquarters. "However, if we were to remove these seats, we could just sort of stack them all in there, one by one, as they file into the plane."

"If a 747's maximum takeoff weight is 875,000 pounds, then we should be packing that plane with 875,000 pounds," Tilton added.

According to a press release, the company estimates that the new policy of simply arranging them in a towering mound will allow it to sell approximately 20 times more tickets per flight. In addition, executives claimed they would be able to eliminate the unnecessary cost of in-flight magazines, chairs, seat belts, blankets, bathrooms, headphones, and oxygen masks.

United officials said they conducted a test run in September during which they sent a flight from San Francisco to Denver and really jammed them all in there as hard as they could. Analysts found that 98 percent of them arrived safely at the correct destination, and of those who were lost or damaged, nearly all were eventually located.
Enlarge Image Airlines Loading

A TSA officer loads in the tall stock for a routine explosives scan.

Engineers at the airline confirmed they are continuing to experiment with stacking patterns and ways to organize them in the cabin and cargo hold, putting an emphasis on minimizing wasted space and maximizing the stability of piles so that they do not fall over.

"After much trial and error, we've found the most efficient way to stack them is to start with a base of large ones, then put down a layer of medium ones, then fill up all the holes with the smaller ones," operations manager Gary Brown said. "The really tiny ones are great for cramming up in the corners."

Brown said engineers have also explored the advantages of different loading procedures, such as driving them down the aisle like cattle, or just putting them on their sides and rolling them in. Researchers eventually concluded that the most efficient system is to wheel them out to the tarmac on luggage carts so baggage handlers can just grab them and chuck them onto conveyor belts.

Sources confirmed that early on in the trials, engineers abandoned the so-called "criss-cross" stacking method—in which each new level of them is arranged perpendicular to the previous one—as the resulting piles were not as densely packed as possible. The research also determined that bundling four or five of them together and securing them with straps or duct tape is far too time-consuming and cost-prohibitive.

"You can't just dump them in there any which way," Brown said. "The delicate ones are liable to break, and if you're not careful, they start to sway, and pretty soon the whole mess comes tumbling down."

Added Brown, "On longer flights we really want to make sure there's no room for them to move around at all."

According to senior vice president Alexandria Marren, the new loading procedure is expected to greatly reduce boarding times, and the check-in process will be streamlined as the airline takes up labeling them with special barcodes for quick electronic scanning. United also plans to introduce several new in-flight amenities, including a sprinkler system that will cool them off every 30 minutes and grated floors through which the waste products can drain.

"On top of everything else, this is going to create a lot of new employment opportunities," Marren said of the company's modernization and efficiency efforts. "For instance, we're going to need energetic go-getters who are handy with a shovel and a bucket of peanuts. And we'll also be on the lookout for talented professionals with previous experience operating high-voltage livestock prodding equipment."

Acknowledging concerns that some of them suffer from a fear of flying, the airline announced that it will soon begin forcibly tranquilizing all of them upon arrival at the check-in gate and attaching a small $45 sedation surcharge.

Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought



PHILADELPHIA—The last time the Philadelphia Phillies brought a World Series title back to the City of Brotherly Love, the nation's financial sector was in complete ruin, the cost of a gallon of milk was only $2.74, fans watched the Fall Classic while huddled around their slightly-less-streamlined high-definition television sets, and Philadelphia slugger Ryan Howard was just 28 years old.

This week Howard, 29, hopes to lead the Phillies to their first World Series championship in more than 360 long days and end a title drought that has been punctuated by several embarrassing losses, including a 2009 opening-day defeat by the Atlanta Braves and a June loss to the Atlanta Braves. During its infamous dry spell, the team has also come up short twice, winning both an NLDS and an NLCS title but having absolutely no World Series ring to show for it.

To put into perspective just how long the Phillies have gone without a championship, the earth has almost made one full orbit of the sun since the franchise last paraded through downtown Philadelphia holding the famed Commissioner's Trophy.

"We have a good group of guys this year, and if we block out all the stuff about how we haven't won a World Series in more than 5,000 waking hours, we'll be fine." Howard said. "Frankly, I'm tired of all that talk. Yes, I know Michael Jackson was still alive the last time we won, and I know Boston Legal was gearing up for its final episode. But look, when the umpire says 'Play ball,' none of that matters."

"After 364 days of constantly coming up short, I think this is finally our year," Howard added.

According to Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, if his players get wrapped up in the fact that they haven't raised a World Series banner since April 5, 2009, they'll never be able to play to the maximum of their ability against the New York Yankees. The veteran manager admitted, however, that going nearly 52 straight weeks without a championship is bound to shake any team's confidence.

"The bottom line is we're a pretty inexperienced team, and for many of these young players, this will be the first time they've been to the World Series in a year." Manuel said. "A lot has changed in that time. If you would have told me last October that this country would elect a black president before the Philadelphia Phillies made it back to the World Series, I would have laughed in your face."

While Philadelphia players admitted the 11-month championship-winless streak has been difficult for them personally, most agreed that it's the fans who've suffered most, enduring more than 500,000 minutes without a World Series victory.

"Our fans are incredible," said left fielder Raul Ibanez, who was brought to the Phillies during the offseason in the hopes that he could help Philadelphia finally get back on the winning track. "If I were them, I would have given up on us weeks ago, after we lost our 69th game and failed to win the National League East by more than 10 [games]. But they stuck with us."

Though the Philly faithful are understandably disappointed with their team's title drought, many believe this will be the season when the team breaks the so-called Curse of 1981—the year in which the Phillies failed to follow up their 1980 championship season with a World Series victory.

"I guess part of me feels like the long wait will make a title all the more special," season-ticket holder Mike Oliver said. "And even though I don't like to compare teams, this Philly squad feels similar to the one who beat the Rays back in the day. They had guys like Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Cole Hamels, Jamie Moyer—guys who could really play the game and knew how to win; not like today's players."

"Man, whatever happened to Jamie Moyer?" Oliver added. "He's got to be dead by now."

"Truthfully, I never thought I would live to see the Phillies get to another World Series," longtime fan David Oswald said. "When I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last November, the doctor only gave me eight months."

Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game


Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team

Jay Leno on Joe BidenThis is a featured page
More Jokes by Jay Leno | More Joe Biden Jokes

People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here's how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm.

Jay LenoWell, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or, as they're calling it, plugged hair meets plugged arteries. That does seem cruel. See, I prefer to call them foot-in-mouth meets shot in face.

When they move into the White House, Barack Obama's going to be getting a dog for his daughters. And he was very clear. You know, he's very strict. He said, 'You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?' Joe Biden said, 'Yeah.'

See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.

Senator Joe Biden lost his voice on the campaign trail yesterday. Turns out a hair plug got stuck in his throat.

I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'

After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another.

You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs.

This is kind of interesting. Optical shops have sold out of the sexy eyeglass frames that Sarah Palin wears. You know those? They're all sold out. And women's clothing stores are sold out of the pretty dress that Michelle Obama has been wearing in her interviews. That's all sold out, too. However, a plastic surgeon said today they still have a warehouse full of those Joe Biden-type hair plugs. They got cases of those.

A company that produces dolls of all the political figures -- they do this every four years, they make action figures of all the candidates -- just came out with a Joe Biden doll. Apparently, the hair is so unrealistic, it looks just like him.

Hey, did you see what Joe Biden did today? According to the New York Times -- I love this story -- Joe Biden tapped a reporter on the chest and said, 'You need to work on your pecs.' Yeah. The bad news, it was White House correspondent Helen Thomas.

And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't.

And as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up.

In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!

No, he told the crowd that Hillary is as qualified or more qualified than he is. Plus, she still has her original hair.

And you know, it's amazing, you know those glasses that she wears? Those are like a hot item right now. Everybody's buying them. They're huge, selling much better than the Joe Biden hair plugs. Those aren't moving at all. They can't give those away.

And out on the campaign trail this week, once again, John McCain spoke about the nightmare of being stuck in a tiny 8 x 10 room, thinking he might go crazy. Not in Vietnam; when he got stuck in the Capitol elevator with Joe Biden and he wouldn't shut up.

As you know, Barack Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. A lot of people are saying in the media that Biden was the logical choice. Now Biden got what, 8,000 votes during the primary, Hillary Clinton got 18 million votes? Well that's logical, sure. What, did Ralph Nader with his 20 votes turn him down, what happened?

And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate. Well, Biden has 35 years of experience in Washington. So between the two of them, that's almost 36 years of experience.

Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, the Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney, okay?

As you know, John McCain is an older white haired man who has been in the Senate over 20 years, voted for the Iraq war, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on. I’m sorry, I got confused.

As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden.

You know, you could see Obama was trying a little too hard to connect with young voters with the text message. I still have it on my phone. [on-screen: cell phone face and text: OMG! Me and Biden are BFFs TTFN ;^)].