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The economy is so bad ...
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
and my personal favorite….
Oct. 26, 2009
"President Obama is in the news. He's been criticized for only playing sports with other men. He's been taking some slack for that lately, so yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama plays a round with another woman.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Well, according to CBS News, President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush in nearly three years. Actually, Obama's a good golfer. You know what his handicap is? Joe Biden." –Jay Leno
"And former Vice President Dick Cheney has accused the White House of 'dithering' over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Today, the White House said they're thinking it over, and they should have an answer for him in six to eight weeks." –Jay Leno
"It's getting nasty. Cheney said that when it comes to Afghanistan, Obama seems to be 'afraid.' Afraid? Isn't Cheney the one that was hiding in the underground bunker?" –Jay Leno
"An MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, 'Al Sharpton.' Even worse than that, after he told her, 'I'm Jesse Jackson,' she said, 'Are you the one that's between Jermaine and Tito?'"–Jay Leno
"The St. Louis Rams lost yesterday to the Indianapolis Colts. The Rams are now 0-7. In fact, they're so bad, the Rams called Rush Limbaugh collect and said, 'Make us an offer. Anything, please.'" –Jay Leno
"It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is. It is our secretary of state's birthday. It is Hillary Clinton's birthday. Happy birthday, Hillary. President Obama asked her what she wanted, she said 'Your job.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Bill Clinton is planning a romantic candlelight dinner tonight. Then he'll go home and see Hillary." –Craig Ferguson
"Hey, guys, this is big news. President Obama just declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. A couple of weeks ago, it was like, 'Calm down, it's going to be fine.' Now it's a national emergency. I'm telling you, swine flu is a big threat, then it's not, then it is. Make up your mind. This thing is like the Brett Favre of infectious diseases." –Jimmy "Fallon
“What’s the difference between a Lehman trader and a pigeon? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.â€
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Northwest Airlines Pilot Excuses
10. "Bunch of fat guys seated on right side of plane made us vector east"
9. "We get paid by the hour"
8. "MapQuest always takes you the long way"
7. "Tired of that show-off Sullenberger getting all the attention"
6. "You try steering one of those airplanes after eight or nine cocktails"
5. "Wanted to catch end of in-flight movie"
4. "Activating autopilot and making occasional P.A. announcements is exhausting"
3. "According to our map, we only missed target by half-an-inch"
2. "For a change, decided to send luggage to the right city and lose the passengers"
1. "Thought we saw Balloon Boy"
Late Show with David Letterman
â— The Yankees beat the Angels last night. What a celebration. After the game, the Yankees were so excited they doused each other with swine flu vaccine in the club house.
â— The Yankees are going to face the Phillies, and they have one of those bets. If the Yankees win, the get a Philly cheesesteak. If the Phillies win, they get a dead Mob snitch.
◠Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, got married over the weekend. Trump’s a wealthy guy, so he hired Mayor Bloomberg to be the little guy on top of the cake.
◠Bloomberg’s the only mayor who was a jockey.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
â— Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton. The president wished her happy birthday and asked her what she wanted, and she said, “Your job.â€
◠Bill Clinton is planning a romantic dinner . . . then he’ll go home and see Hillary.
◠The movie "Paranormal Activity" is out. It’s movie where a couple puts a camcorder in their bedroom to film the things that go bump in the night . . . and also to see if anything happens with ghosts.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
◠President Obama just declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. First the swine flu’s a big threat, then it’s not, then it is. Make up your mind. This thing’s like the Brett Favre of infectious diseases.
◠The No. 1 movie at the box office this weekend was “Paranormal Activity.†It’s a low-budget horror film about a couple that sets up a camera in their bedroom at night. The horror comes when she keeps waking him up to talk about their relationship.
◠A woman in Malaysia got free air travel for life after she gave birth during a flight. I don't know, I don’t think you should be rewarded for having a baby on a plane. You should be rewarded for sitting next to someone having a baby on a plane.
â— In New York, a woman was charged with assault after spraying her cab driver with pepper spray. On the bright side, it was the closest thing the cabbie's had to a shower in months.
