The Jay Leno Show

● Democratic Sen. Max Baucus has introduced his healthcare plan. It would be mandatory for everyone to get health insurance. They would fine people who didn’t get it, and If you don’t pay the fine, you could go to jail. The good news is, once you’re in jail — free healthcare!

● Today is the 150 anniversary of The New York Times. The sad thing is, I read about it online.

● Recently, they were interviewing Afghanistan farmers who grow poppy seeds. One farmer said that he knows heroin is bad and that it kills people, but if he didn’t grow poppy his family would starve. Hey, here’s an idea — you’re a farmer, try growing some food.

● Some sad news: Hugh Hefner has filed for divorce. Who could have seen that coming?

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

● This is the first day of the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana. Or as it’s known at the O’Brien house, Friday.

● Former President Clinton is sponsoring a conference called the “Clinton Global Initiative,” and it’s going to be attended by Alicia Keys, Demi Moore, Mira Sorvino, and supermodel Molly Sims. Apparently he’s calling it “The Clinton Global Initiative” because it sounds better than “The Bill Clinton Dream Five-Way.”

● This Sunday, President Obama will appear on five different television shows. Even more amazing — in all five shows he plays “the wacky neighbor.”

● Parents’ groups are complaining that TV broadcasts of baseball games are filled with ads for erectile dysfunction drugs. In other words, things are so turned around these days that now we delay baseball by thinking about sex.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

● They’re holding the Values Voter Summit in Washington D.C. This is a gathering of conservative activists who get together and talk about values and politics . . . then, at night, they take hookers up to their hotel rooms.

● The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sat down with Ann Curry for an Interview on the “Today” show. It was his first interview since he won the election he rigged in June.

● She asked him what he wanted above all else from the United States. His reply? “I want an iPhone; I want a date with Megan Fox, and I want a cameo on ‘Gossip Girls.’”

BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS


U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan


Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...''Try doing it with the engine running."

---

For those of you in a quandary when considering your health insurance options, I offer the following Q and A:

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

---

The Board of BIDMC, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired Paul Levy to be the new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the institution of all slackers and bring real fiscal discipline.

On a tour of the facilities, Paul notices a guy leaning on a wall near the staff lounge. The room is full of doctors, nurses and aides and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

Paul, towering over the guy, then hands him $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, a slightly taller Paul looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the radiologists, mouth full of pepperoni, mutters, "He is the pizza delivery guy from Dominos...."

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow

13 Rules for Successful Living


Rule 1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d!

Rule 2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

Rule 3. There is nothing better for dieting than chewing your cud. Remember - There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and absolutely no taste.

Rule 4. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Rule 5. Turn the udder cheek and moooo-ve on.

Rule 6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth.

Rule 7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

Rule 8. Honor thy fodder and they mother and all your udder relatives.

Rule 9. Never take any bull from anybody.

Rule 10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

Rule 11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

Rule 12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Rule 13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

And most importantly,

Always remember..... life is easier when you take the bull by the horns.

What I Want in a Man

Original List (Age 25, I deserve the best life has to offer,
I'm worth it!)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful (a doctor maybe)
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (Age 32, I refuse to settle for someone who
doesn't meet my standards.)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner (maybe a X-ray tech)
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

Revised List (Age 42, I still have standards. I really do!)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally (So I got an accountant, already!)
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (Age 52, what standards, I'm doing the best I can!)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often (He's a bum!)
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (Age 62, I'm going to spend my retirement with
this guy???)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep (He's a cheap bum!)
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (Age 72, I wish I had listened to Mother.)

1. Breathing (The bum doesn't even have a will.)
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Jeff Foxworthy's commentary on West Virginia

If you consider it a sport to sit in a tree stand all day long with a bow or a gun just to put food in your freezer, you might live in West Virginia.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Elkins is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in West Virginia.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in West Virginia.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in West Virginia.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in West Virginia ...cause you're all so darn friendly.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, cause he wears a hardhat, you might live in West Virginia.
If you have worn shorts, sunglasses, and a parka at the same time, you might live in West Virginia.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, or if you are in church and your priest or minister asks you to pray for the MOUNTAINEERS, and wants to get you all home for 1 p.m. kickoff, you might live in West Virginia.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in West Virginia.

You Know You Are A True West Virginian When:
'Vacation' means going up north past I-64 for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the doors unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a concrete statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Down South to you means CHARLESTON WV.
A critter is something you eat.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his NEW FORD F150.
You go out to a fish fry every Friday and bingo every Wednesday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
Someone in your family killed Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.
You have at one time lived in or have at least 10 relatives that live in Ohio.
You know that the smell around Easter is worth it because ramps are Yummy.
Brown beans, fried taters, ramps, and cornbread... now that's fine dining.
You wave to 99% of the cars you pass on the road.
You are sure that Autumn is a gift from God and this really is Almost Heaven.
You are aware of all 4 seasons: deer bow, deer gun, deer muzzleloader, and turkey.
Because your home isn't remote enough, you have a "camp" way up on a mountain somewhere.
You have a rifle in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use it.
When asked where you are from, you name your county.
You know that canning occurs in glass jars, not cans.
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all our West Virginia friends.
PROUD TO BE A MOUNTAINEER PROUD TO BE A HILLBILLIE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN