Teaching Children to Apologize
By Lisa Belkin

The teaching moments have abounded this week, haven’t they?

First, there was that rude man who yelled at the President. Message to children: there is a time and a place for argument. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not always entitled to express them. Also, don’t yell at the President when he is speaking before Congress.

Then a tennis champion cursed out a line judge. Message to children: bad language has consequences, in this case $10,000 and the loss of the match (though that’s hardly the only reason she lost). Nobody likes a bad sportsman. New tennis racquets cost money, so you shouldn’t smash them onto the court.

Finally, an MTV star grabbed the microphone and the spotlight from Taylor Swift, also on live TV. Message to children: Wait your turn. Play by the rules. It’s not all about you (or Beyonce, for that matter.)

In all these cases, there have been apologies. None of the transgressors sounded particularly apologetic (well, Kanye West did, mixed in with a bit of defiance) and therein lies the most important lesson to children — how to right wrongs and say you are sorry. This week begins the Jewish season of atonement, stretching from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur, and it is a time of apology. God can forgive sins by Man against God, the Rabbis teach, but only Man can forgive sins against Man. That means you have to apologize to those you have wronged during the year — and you have to really mean it.

But in this rude and raucous age, apologies have become pro forma. People apologize not for being offensive (“I did something to hurt you, and I am sorry”) but rather because someone might have taken offense (“If your feelings were hurt, I am sorry.”) Or, they are exacted as a sort of punishment, a victory by those who were wronged, rather than a first step toward forgiveness and repair.

Children learn the false apology early. “Accident Mommy,” my son used to say whenever he did something — often deliberately — wrong. “I sorry.” Then he would proceed to do it again. The challenge for a parent is in turning those words into regret (though not cripplingly so) and a commitment to change (which we often expect too much of from younger children and too little of from older ones).

Recently my colleague John Tierney explored the importance of guilt to a child’s development, and how parents can teach children how to channel that guilt into something positive rather than false or dismissive.

He quotes Dr. June Tangney, a psychologist at George Mason University, who explains that the key is going beyond mere words to actually making amends. He wrote:

“Both children and adults can be surprisingly clueless about whether and how to make things right,” Dr. Tangney said. “Little kids are overwhelmed by the spilled mess of milk on the floor. Parents can teach and support them to say ‘I’m sorry’ and to clean it up, maybe leaving the kitchen a little cleaner than it was before.”

In other words, you can clean up spilled milk — not by crying over it, but by sincerely wanting to do something about it. The lessons of apology are really lessons about empathy — truly understanding that your words and actions have the power to insult and wound. It is a vital lesson, and I suppose we should be grateful to all the boorish politicians, potty-mouthed tennis players and inappropriate musicians for providing an opportunity to teach.

In the spirit of the season, I forgive them. I wish I believed that they were actually sorry.

Editor' Note: Apologies should be specific. They should be sincere and not forced. They should come from the heart. In our current community school crisis, the apology should be something like this (this is just a sample template): "I am sorry that we (Dr. Law, Kenny Vance, or Maria Busick) ignored our County Teacher of the Year and did not show the proper amount of appreciation for her efforts"

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It seems like it should be such a simple thing, teaching your child or student to say “I’m sorry” when an apology is called for. But far beyond simply repeating a conditioned response, truly understanding the nature of an apology and being able to deliver one sincerely requires a level of social competence that many adults find difficult. Parents are puzzled and frustrated when their child fails to offer apologies when appropriate, either benignly or seemingly willfully. Breaking that “simple” apology down to understandable increments goes a long way in helping our children understand and apply this critical interpersonal skill.

In order to issue a sincere apology, a child needs to first understand why the apology is necessary. Learning to recite the words “I’m sorry” isn’t enough – it doesn’t help the child understand what he did and the consequences it had on another person. All children have elements of selfishness, defensiveness and impulsivity to their personalities. In children with social communication disorders, such as autism or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), these elements may be magnified. Empathy is learned thinking and learned behavior; consistent teaching of the words and actions of empathy and apology will help them take root. It will come in increments over a long period of time. Sara Van Zee, mother of five-year-old Elijah, urges patience combined with setting the good example. “Gentle repetition, each time. I tell him, ‘You hurt her; look, she is sad (or crying). Say you are sorry and give her a hug,’ is a necessary first step. Modeling appropriate behavior is just as important. ‘Oh, sorry! Did I step on your toe? Ouch, are you ok?’

The need for an apology may come at a time when emotions are running high. If this is the case, an apology need not come immediately to be effective. There is huge gap between merely reciting words of apology and feeling true remorse. “As a parent, your own guilt feelings are horrible when your child doesn't understand how he hurts others,” says Van Zee. But in the heat of anger, the child may need a cooling off period before he can recognize real feelings of regret and apologize sincerely. (This happens to you too, doesn’t it?) This requires striking a balance – you want the incident handled in a timely and relatively immediate way, but an insincere apology is not an adequate apology. The cooling-off period will vary from child to child and from incident to incident. It may be two minutes this time, twenty minutes next time. But attempting to teach anything when the child is still emotionally overwrought is wasted effort.

Explaining to your child what he did that requires an apology is more likely to be effective when conveyed in an informative, not punitive, tone of voice. Taking a problem-solving rather than castigating approach preserves your child’s fragile dignity and makes it much more likely that he will learn.

An apology should be very specific: “I’m sorry I broke your crayon/called you a butthead/ruined your computer game/ate your brownie.” The apology can come in many different ways. The child might choose spoken words, either face to face or over the phone. If he’s more comfortable writing a note of apology, it can be handwritten, typed or emailed. For the younger child, consider a pre-printed note with increasing complexity as he gets older. At first, he may just fill in the name of the person to whom he is apologizing and then sign his name. Later, he can fill in “I’m sorry for ___________.” Eventually he works up to a fully original note. Drawings can also be an acceptable form of apology.

Making restitution where possible and reasonable is an important part of the process. “You can have my green crayon” or “I’ll get you a Band-aid.” The concept of cause-and-effect is not inherent in the thinking architecture of autism. Stella Patterson, mom of nine-year-old Neville, describes it this way: “I have always used this model: if you do something wrong you have to say you are sorry, you have to make a plan not to do that thing, action, words again, and you have to put some good back in the world. Neville once made a violent gesture with his fist at a teacher. He had to apologize, work with us to find a way to use his words when he was angry to explain to the teacher how he was feeling, and he had to do something positive for the teacher. It turned out he helped the janitor after school for a few days.”

Patterson notes that there were not many such instances after that. In a case like Neville’s, where the action was purposeful, “with all that was expected of him in the aftermath, he got the message that it's not worth all the trouble to fix it, and more worthwhile to work on understanding the impact of his actions on others, and to develop self-control.”

After the apology and the restitution, it helps if the wronged party can provide closure: “That’s OK,” or “Thank you for apologizing” or “I forgive you.” It seems like a small thing, but the effects of providing this closure can be profound. This came home to me in an incident wherein my own son had been verbally bullied on the school bus. The principal insisted that the perpetrators apologize. One student wrote us a very sincere note. I decided to thank him for his show of character, and wrote back to him: “It takes great courage to admit that we have made a mistake. But it is important to know that even when the mistake looks huge, there are still things we can do to put matters right again. Every day is a new chance to start over. It’s clear to me that you are well on your way to being a fine young man. Bryce appreciates and accepts your apology and would be happy to be your friend.”

The teacher later told me that my note had meant the world to this boy, and that he had slept with it next to his bed for weeks. What had started as an ugly incident of childhood cruelty ended in valuable lessons for everyone involved. A nine-year-old learned something about actions resulting in consequences, as well as something about the nature of forgiveness. I learned that a few moments spent extending a hand in kindness rather than merely reprimand can become a life-changing event for a young person. I like to think he felt the ripple effect of our exchange long after punitive response would have faded from memory.

Once children begin to understand that negative actions and words, whether inadvertent or not, have consequences, fear of those consequences may impede the apology process. Some children think in very black-and-white terms. One mistake can seem like a reason to end a friendship or avoid the wronged party. In any interaction, all children benefit when they come to understand that everyone makes mistakes; a sincere apology and restitution puts an end to the incident and we move on. “Mistake” can be just another word for “practice.”

I didn't do anything!" "It's not my fault!" "Say you're sorry!"

Sound familiar? If so, you're like lots of kids who sometimes argue with their friends and family members. Let's face it — it's not always easy to get along with sisters and brothers, parents, and friends. Kids aren't perfect and they sometimes do things that get them into trouble. Saying "I'm sorry" can help.

Saying you're sorry is called apologizing. When you apologize, you're telling someone that you're sorry for the hurt you caused, even if you didn't do it on purpose. People who are apologizing might also say that they will try to do better. They might promise to fix or replace what was broken or take back a mean thing they said.

Three words, eight letters, so difficult to say.
They're stuck inside of me, they try and stay away.
But this is too important to let them have their way.
I need to do it now, I must do it today.
I am sorry.

Unknown Author

When you realize you've made a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
Dan Heist

May as well include yourself there LYEING STINKLYWELL TATER. You have lied on and about more people and groups then the BOE could ever think about. The differance is you cant stand to be proven wrong you keep on going and in my opeanion make yourself look dumber and dumber.