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The Jay Leno Show
◠According to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, the recession is over. Where is that “you lie†guy when you need him?
â— They used to say a recession is when your neighbor lost his job, and a depression is when you lost yours, but now they say a recession is when Wall Street gets bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it.
◠There’s been a big scandal at A-Porn . . . I mean ACORN.
◠ACORN is an organization that gets government money to help poor people. Well, now they’re in trouble. These two filmmakers went to ACORN posing as a pimp and prostitute saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. ACORN gave them advice on how to do it and how to avoid prosecution and how to avoid paying taxes. If they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, they should go to Congress. These are the professionals.
The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien
◠Yesterday Jennifer Lopez was at the White House and she got a private tour of the Oval Office. So for once the biggest ass at the White House wasn’t Joe Biden.
◠Earlier today, President Obama said that he’s dropping President Bush’s plan for a missile defense shield. Obama is also dropping President Bush’s plan to build an elite army of Rock ’em, Sock ’em Robots.
â— The Senate just passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns in their checked luggage. However, Greyhound passengers are still not allowed to carry deodorant.
◠Today former Vice President Dick Cheney underwent minor surgery on his back. The doctor told Cheney it’s a simple operation and that he’d be up and having heart surgery in no time.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
â— Jenna Bush made her debut on the “Today†show. Family members taped videos to welcome her on her first day at work: Laura Bush said, “I wish you the very best on the ‘Today’ show,†Barbara Bush said, “I know you’re going to do a great job,†and George W. Bush said, “Are you ready for some football?â€
â— NASCAR has made an effort to be more green. They even hired a consultant to help them. Now they have come out with a “green†racing event this weekend, and the ads for it were green as well. The nice thing about it is, the changes they’ve made have not changed racing at all: “It’s NASCAR action — green style. Come see the latest hybrid cars race quietly at speeds of up to 55 miles per hour.â€
â— They’ve even spiced up the food: “Don’t forget your appetite — we’ve got hummus!â€
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
â— Everybody’s talking about healthcare. Yesterday, Montana Sen. Max Baucus presented a new plan that contains both Democratic parts and Republican parts. He’s calling it the “Lady Gaga Option.â€
â— Dick Cheney is having surgery today to relieve his lower back pain. You know how they administered the anesthesia? They just shot it right in his face.
◠A new Nielson survey found that Washington, D.C. has the most 25-34-year-olds in the country who make over $100,000 a year. They’re called hookers.
◠In Pittsburgh, they just passed a law banning both urination and defecation in public. I think the bigger story is that it’s been legal all this time in Pittsburgh.
The economy is so bad, George W. Bush appeared in a flight suit and declared economic recovery was complete.
The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad, Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.
The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"
The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
The economy is so bad, Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"
The economy is so bad, my ATM gave me an IOU!
The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.
The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.
The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.
The economy is so bad, I became a Pastafarian hoping that a meatball will appear to me.
The economy is so bad that parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
The economy is so bad that even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.
The economy is so bad I saw a polygamist with only one wife.
The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!
The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
The economy is so bad, I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad, Obama met with three small businesses to discuss his Stimulus Plan: GM, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
It's so bad, McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.
The economy's so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
The economy is so bad, that a prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
It's so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
The economy is so bad, that Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.
The economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
The economy is so bad, that I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
It's so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad, hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.
The economy is so bad, Barack Obama unveiled his plan to close Guantanamo Bay for good: He's turning it into a bank!
The economy is so bad, that the White House turkey turned down his Thanksgiving pardon-- all his wealth was in stocks, and he has nothing to live for.
The economy is so bad, Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food, not for fun.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad, my niece told me she wants to dress up as a 401-K for Halloween so that she can turn invisible.
The economy is so bad, that instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they played "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
The economy is so bad that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity.
The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
It's so bad, they built an Indian reservation on a casino.
The economy is so bad, people are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.
The economy is so bad, Michael Phelps has to share a bong.
The economy is so bad that when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The economy is so bad, a certain celebutante changed her name to "Paris Holiday Inn."
The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.
It's so bad, the Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.
The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.
The economy is so bad that the only company hiring this week is the one that sends people to scrape bankers off the sidewalk on Wall Street.
It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
The economy is so bad, Angelina had to adopt a highway.
Stinkwell, I don't know where you find this stuff, but it is ULTRA COOL!! Keep 'em coming! The one with santa has a very good message to all Americans. I would like to post some stuff like this but I would be banned. Keep up the good work, you're doing great!
