White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase

Aug. 18, 2009

"Do you remember the governor of South Carolina, Governor Mark Sanford? He told everyone he was going for a hike and in actuality he went to Argentina. Now, his wife says -- and you can't blame her -- that she was so curious about the woman that her husband was having the affair with down there in Argentina, that she googled his mistress. And I thought, wait a minute, that's what got him in trouble, was googling his mistress." --David Letterman

"Now, here is a statistic that, I don't know if it means anything -- it's got to mean something -- 90% of all paper currency -- money, you know -- has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money." --David Letterman

"Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy." --David Letterman

"On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again." --David Letterman

"Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil." --David Letterman

"And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show." --David Letterman

"People are worried that, if the health care plan that the President wants goes through, that a death panel will decide what life-sustaining measures should be applied to the elderly. Well, you know, it's the same thing ABC does with Regis." --David Letterman

Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President (As Read by Britney Spears)

10. I'd be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon.
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo.
8. Free pie for everybody.
7. My Situation Room would be a cabana at the Palms casino in Las Vegas.
6. I'd lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance 'Circus Fantasy.'
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy.
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade.
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy.
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me (Watch video)

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Britney Spears Reads Letterman Top Ten in a Bikini
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Note: the rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

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Aug. 17, 2009

"Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel." --David Letterman

"Oh, man, did you see the PGA Championship over the weekend? Tiger Woods never lost a major when he's been leading, you know, halfway through the dang tournament. And then this kid, Y.E. Yang, comes along and he defeats him. And I felt bad for Tiger. He was upset. He was upset. As a matter of fact, Obama had been watching the contest. He knows that he is upset. So he invited Tiger and Yang to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Did you see Hillary Clinton? There was videotape of her in Africa at a press conference and somebody asks her something and she gets angry. Did you see that? Well, now they're talking to her husband, Bill Clinton, and he says that he had not seen the press conference and had not seen the videotape of the press conference. And I'm thinking, I bet this guy's got a pretty good idea of what Hillary's like when she's angry." --David Letterman

"The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that." --David Letterman

"And then Obama was in Mexico the previous week. And he met with a group of North American leaders. And afterwards he laid a wreath at the grave of the Taco Bell Chihuahua." --David Letterman

"You know what? It's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Did you realize that at the original Woodstock, Dick Cheney was there, later Vice President Dick Cheney. Yeah, he was there hunting hippies." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Madonna -- 51 years old on Saturday. And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her." --David Letterman

"I am ecstatic. We are close to defeating President Obama's evil plan to keep people healthy. The president is so desperate that he resorted to publishing an op-ed called 'Why We Need Health Care Reform' in yesterday's New York Times. Textbook sign of surrender. ... Of course the president blamed our problems on the health insurance industry, but where is the balance? Why won't the Times print the insurance companies editorials, like this one I got today. Dear Mr. Colbert, we regret to inform you that we cannot cover your hip surgery due to your pre-exsisting wrist injury." --Stephen Colbert



Note: the rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Aug. 14, 2009

"Everyone's on vacation right now. President's taking a vacation at this very moment, you hear this? Tomorrow President Obama is taking his family to Yellowstone Park to see Ol' Faithful, isn't that nice? Yea. And meanwhile, Hillary Clinton returns from overseas to see Ol' Unfaithful." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was in Montana today. That's right. He met with residents, he held a town meeting and then he went fly-fishing. It's true. Montana residents came from miles around for the once in a lifetime chance to see a black guy fly-fishing." --Conan O'Brien

"An 11-year old boy interviewed President Obama, and the boy asked Obama what to do about bullying. That's right. The response Obama said, 'Shut up, nerd.' And he shoved the kid." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A paternity test revealed John Edwards is in fact the biological father of his mistress' child. Yep, experts say they could tell it was Edwards' DNA cause it kept grooming itself in the microscope." --Conan O'Brien

"Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn't for these death panels before, but I'm starting to come around." --Bill Maher

"Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don't know how we didn't see that coming." --Bill Maher

"During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn't like Barack Obama, it was something...now they know, he's for death panels. That's what it was, death panels." --Bill Maher

"And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day, a social networking site for teenagers." --Bill Maher

"In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening." --Bill Maher

"It does seem to be a tad ironic that she's so against killing old people because she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"Apparently Dick Cheney, is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt. When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bulls**t. ... It's so annoying when your boss is disobedient." --Bill Maher

"You remember John Edwards? He finally admitted he's the father of his mistress' baby after denying it for over a year. So it's a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Edwards says he's ashamed, he can hardly look at himself in the mirror. On the bright side, that frees up an extra 4 hours a day for him." --Jimmy Fallon

"Fortunately, some good news came out of the whole thing, he agreed to join Bristol Palin on the abstinence tour." --Jimmy Fallon


Aug. 13, 2009

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton was recently asked about his wife Hillary's 11-day trip to Africa. And he said, 'I wish she were home.' Then he said, 'By which, I mean, I wish her home was Africa.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former President Clinton -- have you heard about this? There are two American male hikers and one female hiker imprisoned in Iran. Some people are saying Bill Clinton should go rescue them. When asked about the idea, Clinton said, 'I am one third on it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon

"And this happens with every administration. I mean, Obama only listened to Joe Biden for — never." --Jimmy Fallon

"Cheney also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said: 'I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch.'" --Jimmy Fallon

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Aug. 12, 2009

"President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Then, there was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, GM announced they'll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon. And today, Nissan said their new car's going to get 367 miles a gallon. It's crazy." --Conan O'Brien

"In a related story, Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that's the one you want." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report that just came out, NASA doesn't have enough money to track all the giant asteroids that could crash into Earth. NASA says we shouldn't worry though because they've given the job to Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck." --Conan O'Brien

"During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the government providing the same services. He said UPS and FedEx are doing just fine; it's the Post Office that's always having problems. That's probably going to anger some postal workers but what's the worst that could happen?" --Jimmy Fallon

"But at the same meeting, he said twice that the AARP supports his healthcare plan, even though the AARP hasn't endorsed it. He's probably thinking of that other senior citizens group. What's the name? Oh, yeah, Congress." --Jimmy Fallon



Aug. 11, 2009

"Yesterday in Africa, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lost her temper at a college student when he asked her a question about her husband's opinion on a certain issue. She got mad. I can understand why she got upset, because the question was, 'Who's hotter? Megan Fox or Eva Longoria?'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, both Clintons, all over the news. While Hillary's in Africa Bill Clinton's in Las Vegas celebrating his birthday, which begs the question why is Bill the one who woke up 10 feet from a goat?" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien

"A company in Michigan is trying to make Americans healthier by sending out ice cream trucks stocked only with fruits and vegetables. It's not going so well, because all the trucks have been turned over and burned by angry, fat kids." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting." --Jimmy Fallon

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Aug. 10, 2009

"President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he'd work with Mexico to solve the immigration problem, and he'd work with Canada to solve the Celine Dion problem." --Conan O'Brien

"No, earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Clinton, of course, in the news a lot lately. Yesterday, former President Clinton gave a speech to a group from Haiti, and he urged them not to give up hope. Clinton said, 'Things can start to look bleak, and then, all of the sudden, you're on an airplane with two hot Asian chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from 'All rise' to 'Hey, I'm judging over here!'" --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of news this weekend. Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in as the 111th Supreme Court justice and only the third female in history. This is great. Now, Ruth Bader Ginsburg will finally have a yoga buddy." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico, for his first North American Leaders Summit. Very exciting. After that, he's expected to hold his first Imodium AD Summit." --Jimmy Fallon

"During his weekly radio address, Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"And here's some optimistic news. Kim Jong-Il now says he wants to hold face-to-face talks with the United States. Now all North Korea needs is a big enough stepladder." --Jimmy Fallon

"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"These are troubled times, and we need a hero, someone unencumbered by politics as usual. Someone who could kill a moose with one hand and skin a bear with the other. Someone without a job. ... Yes! Like a ship slowly appearing over the horizon to an island of castaways, Sarah Palin has arrived with fresh food, clothing and that little box she keeps next to her bed filled with crazy." --Jon Stewart, on Palin accusing Obama of trying to create "death panels" that will kill her baby (Watch video clip)

"Sarah Palin exposed the shocking truth about Obama's health care plan, saying that the America she knows is not one where her loved ones will 'have to stand in front of Obama's death panel so his bureaucrats can decide ... whether they are worthy of health care.' Bravo, Ms. Palin! That is the most powerful message you've written by throwing a handful of magnetic poetry against the fridge." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)



Aug. 7, 2009

"Former President Clinton flew back from North Korea on a private jet accompanied by two beautiful reporters who he rescued from being sent to an all-female prison camp. That's pretty amazing. Yeah. In other words, after years of wasting his time as president, Clinton has finally found his calling. Isn't that nice?" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House was reluctant to send Clinton to North Korea and imposed several conditions on the trip. Yep. First condition was that Clinton travel as a private citizen. Second, that he not negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. And third, he stop calling the trip a 'booty call.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien

"I can't believe he said this -- on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh recently said, 'Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, ruled by dictate.' Yeah. So folks, it took a while, but Obama has finally won over Rush Limbaugh." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen what's going on with these town halls? I don't want to say they're out of control. But they're starting to show them on ESPN. I haven't seen old white people this upset since they canceled 'Murder, She Wrote.'" --Bill Maher

"No, I'm serious, they are giving angry mobs a bad name. ... And these people, I'm sorry, they are not the best-informed group of screaming people I've seen in my life. Exit polls show that half these people think they're bidding on a tractor." --Bill Maher

"And now, there's actual fist-fights that are breaking out in the town hall meetings. And I have to say this, if you get injured while fighting against health care, you have to lie there and bleed. You just do. I'm sorry." -Bill Maher

"I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord." -Bill Maher

"But Obama's getting ****** at this. I don't blame him. He's getting testy. He said, 'If I wanted to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged, I'll ask Joe Biden a yes-or-no question.'" -Bill Maher

"Today was his 200th day in office. Barack Obama has been -- wow, he made it. And he said he still loves the job as much as ever. And he loves it so much, he's thinking about finally doing it and becoming an American citizen." -Bill Maher

"Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home." -Bill Maher

"The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home." -Bill Maher

"I thought also the biggest news flash of the week: Sonia Sotomayor is now on the Supreme Court. The Senate confirmed her. She will be -- I thought this was interesting -- sworn in on Saturday by Chief Justice John Roberts. And that is progress: a Hispanic woman having a white man come in on Saturday." --Bill Maher

"Vice President Joe Biden and his wife Jill are in Kiawah Island, South Carolina, for a week-long vacation. That's great. They're saying it's the most relaxing vacation Obama's ever had. And you can tell when Joe Biden's been to the beach. He comes back with braided hair plugs. It's really cute." --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite losing 200,000 jobs in July, the unemployment rate dropped from 9.5% to 9.4%. I think that means a lot of people got hired to work at the unemployment office." --Jimmy Fallon

"But that small drop's not enough for Obama. To get that number down even further, he's promised to find Paula Abdul a job." --Jimmy Fallon


Aug. 6, 2009

"Newspapers around the country are calling former President Bill Clinton a hero for his role in extracting two female journalists from North Korea. As a result, today, Clinton asked to be named secretary of extracting Asian chicks." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, 'Yet another job gone south of the border.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest polls show that President Obama's approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama's new Secret Service code name, 'NBC.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week the Toyota Corolla became the most traded-in car as part of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. After hearing about it, the CEO of General Motors said, 'Oh my God, don't tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sonia Sotomayor was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate for the Supreme Court. I'm not sure how this works. So, does she sit next to Randy or Simon Cowell? Either way, it's going to be a great season." --Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea, it turns out, they were offered a meeting with Al Gore in exchange for the two American journalists, but Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with Bill Clinton instead. Al Gore said, 'I have no hard feelings at all,' and then he gained 70 pounds and grew a beard." --Jimmy Fallon



Aug. 5, 2009

"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton flew all the way to North Korea, under the cover of night, to rescue two beautiful women from the clutches of an evil dictator. And what's amazing is that's the exact same alibi he used on Hillary last week." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President Bill Clinton yesterday flew behind North Korea's iron deficiency curtain and secured the release the two journalists. No guns, no bloodshed, just a silk suit, raspy southern charm and, based on personal experience, a hint, just a touch, of P. Diddy's 'Unforgivable.'" --Jon Stewart

"Here is the most Clinton-esque detail of the entire operation [on screen: anchors reporting that the jet was owned by Shangri-La Entertainment]. What? Mr. President, we have to send you to North Korea, but we don't have a plane for you. 'Let me call my friends at Shangri-La Entertainment. They owe me one. They know why.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)


Aug. 4, 2009

"Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien