Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title

In Idaho, police confiscated $20 million dollars worth of marijuana being grown near a Girl Scout camp. Police became suspicious after the Girl Scouts sold $20 million worth of Girl Scout Cookies.

In his upcoming memoir, Dick Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their administration. In Bush’s defense, I think it’s pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face.

And this happens with every administration. I mean, Obama only listened to Joe Biden for . . . never.

Cheney explained that the “statute of limitations” has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said, “I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open?”

Just one day after GM’s claim that its electric car, the Chevy Volt, would get 230 miles per gallon, Nissan announced that its new electric car, the Leaf, can achieve 367 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Honda says it’s working on a new car that actually creates gasoline.

President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. He said would work with Mexico to solve the immigration problem, and he would work with Canada to solve the Celine Dion problem.

He met with Mexican President Felipe Calderon and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president’s home, which is now in Los Angeles.

Yesterday, former President Clinton gave a speech to a group from Haiti and he urged them not to give up hope. Clinton said, “Things can start to look bleak and then all of a sudden you’re on an airplane with two hot Asian chicks.”

Sonia Sotomayor is now a Supreme Court Justice. Now that she has joined the Supreme Court, one third of the Justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from “All rise” to “Hey — I’m judgin’ over here!”

his weekend Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in as the 111th Supreme Court Justice and only the third female in history. This is great. Now Ruth Bader Ginsburg will finally have a yoga buddy.

President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico for his first North American Leaders summit. After that, he’s expected to hold his very first “Imodium A-D Summit.”

During his weekly radio address, Obama said, "We've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession.” Which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors.

Here’s some optimistic news. Kim Jong Il now says he wants to hold face-to-face talks with the United States. Now all North Korea needs is a big-enough step-ladder.

Newspapers around the country are calling former President Bill Clinton a hero for his role in extracting 2 female journalists from North Korea. As a result, today, Clinton asked to be named Secretary of Extracting Asian Chicks.

Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court’s first Hispanic justice. Or as Lou Dobbs reported it, “Yet another job gone south of the border.”

The latest polls show that President Obama’s approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low. Which explains Obama’s new Secret Service code name: NBC.

This week, the Toyota Corolla became the most traded in car as part of the Cash for Clunkers program. After hearing about this, the CEO of General Motors said, “Oh God, don’t tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do.”

Congratulations to Judge Sonia Sotomayor, who was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate. Now she just has to get through the hazing. Not sure how this works. Does she sit next to Randy or Simon?

North Korea was offered a meeting with Al Gore in exchange for the two American journalists, but Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with Bill Clinton instead. Al Gore said, “I have no hard feelings at all.” Then he gained 70 pounds and grew a beard.

More Americans are using food stamps than ever before — over 34 million. Which may explain Bravo’s new show, “Top Chef — Boyardee Edition.”

Yesterday two Broadway producers, Garth Drabinsky and Myron Gottlieb, were sentenced to prison for scamming investors out of millions of dollars. It won’t be easy in there. No one wants you in their prison gang when your names are “Garth” and “Myron.”