Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S.

Aug. 6, 2009

"Newspapers around the country are calling former President Bill Clinton a hero for his role in extracting two female journalists from North Korea. As a result, today, Clinton asked to be named secretary of extracting Asian chicks." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, 'Yet another job gone south of the border.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest polls show that President Obama's approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama's new Secret Service code name, 'NBC.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week the Toyota Corolla became the most traded-in car as part of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. After hearing about it, the CEO of General Motors said, 'Oh my God, don't tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sonia Sotomayor was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate for the Supreme Court. I'm not sure how this works. So, does she sit next to Randy or Simon Cowell? Either way, it's going to be a great season." --Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea, it turns out, they were offered a meeting with Al Gore in exchange for the two American journalists, but Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with Bill Clinton instead. Al Gore said, 'I have no hard feelings at all,' and then he gained 70 pounds and grew a beard." --Jimmy Fallon

Aug. 5, 2009

"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton flew all the way to North Korea, under the cover of night, to rescue two beautiful women from the clutches of an evil dictator. And what's amazing is that's the exact same alibi he used on Hillary last week." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President Bill Clinton yesterday flew behind North Korea's iron deficiency curtain and secured the release the two journalists. No guns, no bloodshed, just a silk suit, raspy southern charm and, based on personal experience, a hint, just a touch, of P. Diddy's 'Unforgivable.'" --Jon Stewart

"Here is the most Clinton-esque detail of the entire operation [on screen: anchors reporting that the jet was owned by Shangri-La Entertainment]. What? Mr. President, we have to send you to North Korea, but we don't have a plane for you. 'Let me call my friends at Shangri-La Entertainment. They owe me one. They know why.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

Further news from Idiot's Branch:

President Obama is not a natural born citizen (or he wasn't born in the U.S., or he renounced his citizenship as a child...whatever) and he's going to encourage old people to die...

What would we do without the idiots?