¡Yo valgo la pena!
Night between 23rd and 24th January, 2008
Even if it was you that asked me to write what’s on my mind so that you could read it and try to understand it, I’m not sure I should let you peep into me that much. It could do more harm than good. If it means the end of it all I’ll be blaming myself forever. Well, anyway, it might help me to get it all off my chest, and as your not answering my calls doesn’t help, I guess I have no other way.
Of course, this will sound as if I only had bad things to say about the situation, but I’d like you to bear in mind that you tell the psychiatrist/psychologist what is ruining you inside, what is eating away your soul, not the good stuff. The good stuff is also there, otherwise I wouldn’t be worrying so much about the fact that we seem to be falling to pieces.
First of all, let me make it clear that what I’m asking for is little. I just want someone to be there for me and someone I can be there for without being pushed away, in good and bad times. This is someone who likes to spend time with me and feels the need to spend more and more because he can’t get enough of me. It is someone who proudly likes being seen with me. It is someone tender, who can kiss me at any time, not just when sex (which is good by the way) is involved, who can hold my hand without thinking this a childish attitude.
But I feel pushed away very often… What worries me the most is your not picking up the phone and then giving me weird reasons: you’ve had your bag and mobile stolen twice; you were in a bookshop at lunch time; once someone left for Asturias with your mobiles in their car and didn’t get back until the middle of the night; you were doing the shopping or buying cigarettes (half your life is spent in those stores)… The thing is you’re almost never away from your mobile when I’m with you, so I don’t see why you’d be away from it when I’m not. So are those reasons just an excuse? Furthermore, we spoke at 11 and 45 minutes later you don’t answer any more. You can’t be asleep yet!
As you know, I don’t think we see much of each other. A weekend every two weeks is very little, so I’m always looking forward to our holidays so that we can meet more often. The thing is, the holidays get there, and we don’t always spend them together. You have no lessons on Thursdays, but then this week your students suddenly feel like compulsively revising with you, even if the exams are still three weeks from now and students only decide to start revising the week before. Moreover, you leave me waiting to see whether you’ll be able to see me next weekend, when even if you’re busy with family matters I agree you should attend to, there should always be some time to build up on your relationship rather than letting it die away.
Why isn’t there any sign of Tere at your place, not even a photo? (and you do like photos: you have lots of Fran photos on your pin-board). I’m not welcome to arrive at your place without previous notice, and if I did, I would have to stand at the door until you got there as if we had met only yesterday: “no key, I’m free,” as the famous saying goes?

City/Pais: España

Edad: 35