Andrew

Oct 17, 07 - 11:49 PM

Why am I the only family member who knows?

Hi Steve, hi all.

I realised i'd been abused when i was 37. It's been four years now since the 'penny dropped' and i started the long road to recovery. As a word of encouragement to those in my particular situation, all of this was done without any memory of what happened. My feeling is that it was done when i was very young, possibly when i was a baby, definitely by more than one family member. Yet in the light of the way my life has panned out, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind, and the extent of how dysfunctional and incestuous my family is becomes clearer and clearer the deeper I dig. They don't think so though and therein lies my biggest problem.

The reason I'm posting here is that I still can't get over the fact that I cannot find one single ally in my immediate or extended family. Thankfully I have a partner who is totally supportive, she has been through the same thing as me and I love her very much. Yet this still really bothers me and I'm finding it really hard to let go of. It feels like something out of invasion of the bodysnatchers, (this also applies to nearly all of my ex-friends too, but to be honest that doesn't bother me at all, f**k 'em!). But it really feels like a massive obstacle in my recovery, especially when I can see it on them too. I don't have anything to do with any of them because of this, which over time I've become more and more comfotable with, but at the back of my mind is this nagging feeling that even if only one other family member were to say 'yeah, it happened to me too', things would....... I dunno......maybe it's because I can't remember, and if someone else were to say something I could go 'See! I told you I wasn't mad'.

Anyone else feel the same? Anyone know what to say? How do I get over that one?

Great site by the way.

Andrew.

Daz

Oct 18th, 2007 - 8:54 AM

Re: Why am I the only family member who knows?

Hi Andrew

I can only remark on my own situation. I found that my family found not believeing me was an easier option for them. I feel now after 13 years of my first dissclosure of the abuse I can see why they preferd to believe my abuser, this was due to believeing me would lead to them having to look at there lives and where they went wrong.

I found my main strength come from living in the here and now. I looked at what I had acomplished. I new the truth and if my family could'nt understand what I was going through then it was there loss.

I also asked myself do I really need these people around me. I have found in time they all have there brick wall and one day they will hit it.

I am not sure if this makes sence, but just think of you because look how strong and brave you are, you are the one who stood up and told your story.
Be strong and stay safe. You have a wonderful wife that will back you up all the way take strength from this and live you life to the full
Kind Regards Daren

Ken

Oct 18th, 2007 - 12:05 PM

Re: Why am I the only family member who knows?

Steve will jump in as usual, from my experience different relatives in my family have chosen to make their family with whoever they marry and cut off the relatives they grew up with, whether justified or not.

Even when abuse isn't an issue, it's natural to move on in that way and you've done it Andrew. As you go further through the recovery process you'll get strong enough to ration the time that you spend/waste re the family that you grew up with, if they're not backing you up.

As you've commented, your relatives have their brick walls. They've gone their way, you'll get strong enough to go yours. Best of luck.

§tèvë

Oct 18th, 2007 - 8:43 PM

Re: Why am I the only family member who knows?

Hi Andrew, Daz, Ken

Heres me, jumping in..as I do.

I spent many years wondering why my family failed to see the reasons behind why I behaved the way I did and did what I did, etc

Turns out that more than one of my family suffered abuse, and were locked away in their own silence, and as such, were unable to speak out and acknowledge their abuse, let alone mine.

When faced by me, when I made my disclosure to them, then all acted in typical fashion, and closed down emotionally and to this day, no one has said a word, despite knowing what I do, appearing on TV, etc and sadly, thats the way it will have to say, as I cant make them speak out, but hope that they do some day and that some one in your family does too mate

Stay safe and keep in touch mate, its good to see you here

§tèvë

Andrew

Oct 19th, 2007 - 5:09 PM

Re: Why am I the only family member who knows?

Hi Steve, Daz and Ken.

Thanks for your feedback and kind words. All very sensible stuff and I'm sure I'll get there in the end.

In the last four years I've learnt so much stuff. Spent the first two totally immersed in self-help books, Mike Lew, John Bradshaw, Kay Toon, Bass/Davies etc, a tiny bit of inner child work and some psychodynamic therapy, but while learning about the true nature and effects of child abuse it's almost akin to doing a full-on psychology course and although I'm past the so-called emergency stage, the more I've learnt the more I see it everywhere.

I remember once ages ago having a conversation on the phone with you Steve, in which you said that sometimes you can be sitting on a bus, and then look up at the person sitting opposite you, and despite never having even met them before, leaning forward and saying 'Do you mind if I speak to you for a minute?' cos you can literally see it on them. Well I know how that feels now and it ain't some weird mystical gift, it's just that once you know, you know, if that makes any sense?!

It's just that I come up against it all the time, can't seem to have a conversation with anyone, (apart from my partner obviously), without being confronted by one misconception or another and the need to inform or educate overtakes me and off I go. When faced with that their denial issues come in to play immediately and in the aftermath, (y'know, when you're thinking 'Damn, I forgot to point out this that or the other - that would have really hammered the point home!'), my thoughts always turn to my family, and my partners family too, who are just as bad. Thats when the frustration really hits home and the need to get up on a soapbox takes over.

APM

Oct 19th, 2007 - 5:14 PM

Re: Why am I the only family member who knows?

Hi Andrew,
I did not have the same experience as you with your family because in my case I will never say to them what happened to me when I was 14.
My abuse happened around the Catholic Church. I am a Spanish 39 years old guy living in the Netherlands (only for giving you some context).
I am almost 100% sure that if my father knew what a Jesuit priest did to me, he would say that it was my fault.
A different subject was my Spanish friends. I disclosed to them what happened many years later because there was a great risk of other children being victimized by the same guy.
The reaction of my (ex) friends were not very supportive:
1. It is not our business.
2. We should not make a tragedy of that.
3. That happened a long time ago.
4. "Those things" are for the families.
5. Families should clean their own dirty stuff at home.
6. I don’t want to be involved in any scandalous.
7. What happened to you does not change our friendship with that guy (my abuser).
8. This is something you should not talk to anybody about.
etc.

Maybe at that meeting there were more victims that decided to “forget” and they were angry with me because of my decision of talking.

In my experience you have to assume that is YOUR LIFE the one that needs to be healed. Your life is the only important.
I gave up trying to understand why other people are so insensitive.

Regards
APM

Craigm8vj

Oct 24th, 2007 - 10:32 PM

Re: Why am I the only family member who knows?

Hi Andrew

I have a similar situation as yourself. I too feel i was abused when i was a baby and then all the way into my early teens by my mother. I have some memories of the abuse as i get older but from my early years its mostly just this feeling and the odd snapshot of memory. I know stuff happened.
I have been in recovery for 2 1/2 years now and i still feel the need to know what happened, for my own peice of mind. I'm not sure if this woudld help me or not. Not having concrete memories of the abuse in my early years just bugs me though. I just want to know exactly what happened to me and then maybe it will be easier to put it behind me.

Maybe the mind blocks these things out for good reasons, there just to horrible to remeber....who knows. Maybe we remember things once we're ready and able to face them.

Take care and good luck

Craig

Andrew

Oct 29th, 2007 - 2:41 PM

Re: Why am I the only family member who knows?

Hi Craig,

Yeah, your situation sounds very similar to mine as I'm sure my mother was the main one, although I don't think it was just her. My feeling is that her speciality is babies and I was treated as the 'favourite' cos I was the first-born. She's one of those 'actress-y' types who always goes on about sex - sort of like Dorian from birds of a feather but not funny. It's one of those families that is very dysfunctional, but just under the surface. There's enough of a social veneer there to enable all the family members (including myself untill the end of 2003) to deny any problems.

I spose the main reason I find it frustrating is that I'm still angry at my family, angry for everything that happened, and angry that they can't see what they are. I feel like if I could clearly remember everything I'd feel better equipped to go in there and destroy their whole system of denial out of revenge!! But because it's dreams and feelings (which i trust 100%) and evidence based on my behaviour as I grew up it could be easier for them to undermine me with my 'lack of proof'. Even then I'd fight the bozoes.

But as Ken said, you do very slowly move on from that and waste less time on your family and it will matter less and less til eventually you don't even need to say fuck 'em. I'm not there yet though.

However..........

It's different for everyone obviously but if it's any use to you, I don't think remembering will actually help one's own personal recovery, in that you don't need to remember to recover. But i don't think recovery means putting it behind you, that to me feels like something to aspire to which is in fact unnatainable and to try and aim for that will result in constant disappointment. How can anyone put that behind them when everything you do, say, feel, (or not not feel!) and think is affected by it?! I think the trick is to acknowledge every problem we have and try to find ways around it than to aspire to everyone elses idea of normality cos people like us won't ever achieve it. On the plus side, the emotional and psychological insights we get through ongoing recovery are amazing. It's as if we lift a dirty veil off of the world that everyone else still has their head under! It's a bit of a pretentious quote and I can't remember where i read it but we are cracked vases and when we go through recovery we are still cracked vases but the cracks are filled with gold! Brilliant!!

Author	Comment
Andrew Oct 17, 07 - 11:49 PM	Why am I the only family member who knows? Hi Steve, hi all. I realised i'd been abused when i was 37. It's been four years now since the 'penny dropped' and i started the long road to recovery. As a word of encouragement to those in my particular situation, all of this was done without any memory of what happened. My feeling is that it was done when i was very young, possibly when i was a baby, definitely by more than one family member. Yet in the light of the way my life has panned out, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind, and the extent of how dysfunctional and incestuous my family is becomes clearer and clearer the deeper I dig. They don't think so though and therein lies my biggest problem. The reason I'm posting here is that I still can't get over the fact that I cannot find one single ally in my immediate or extended family. Thankfully I have a partner who is totally supportive, she has been through the same thing as me and I love her very much. Yet this still really bothers me and I'm finding it really hard to let go of. It feels like something out of invasion of the bodysnatchers, (this also applies to nearly all of my ex-friends too, but to be honest that doesn't bother me at all, f**k 'em!). But it really feels like a massive obstacle in my recovery, especially when I can see it on them too. I don't have anything to do with any of them because of this, which over time I've become more and more comfotable with, but at the back of my mind is this nagging feeling that even if only one other family member were to say 'yeah, it happened to me too', things would....... I dunno......maybe it's because I can't remember, and if someone else were to say something I could go 'See! I told you I wasn't mad'. Anyone else feel the same? Anyone know what to say? How do I get over that one? Great site by the way. Andrew.
Daz Oct 18th, 2007 - 8:54 AM	Re: Why am I the only family member who knows? Hi Andrew I can only remark on my own situation. I found that my family found not believeing me was an easier option for them. I feel now after 13 years of my first dissclosure of the abuse I can see why they preferd to believe my abuser, this was due to believeing me would lead to them having to look at there lives and where they went wrong. I found my main strength come from living in the here and now. I looked at what I had acomplished. I new the truth and if my family could'nt understand what I was going through then it was there loss. I also asked myself do I really need these people around me. I have found in time they all have there brick wall and one day they will hit it. I am not sure if this makes sence, but just think of you because look how strong and brave you are, you are the one who stood up and told your story. Be strong and stay safe. You have a wonderful wife that will back you up all the way take strength from this and live you life to the full Kind Regards Daren
Ken Oct 18th, 2007 - 12:05 PM	Re: Why am I the only family member who knows? Steve will jump in as usual, from my experience different relatives in my family have chosen to make their family with whoever they marry and cut off the relatives they grew up with, whether justified or not. Even when abuse isn't an issue, it's natural to move on in that way and you've done it Andrew. As you go further through the recovery process you'll get strong enough to ration the time that you spend/waste re the family that you grew up with, if they're not backing you up. As you've commented, your relatives have their brick walls. They've gone their way, you'll get strong enough to go yours. Best of luck.
§tèvë Oct 18th, 2007 - 8:43 PM	Re: Why am I the only family member who knows? Hi Andrew, Daz, Ken Heres me, jumping in..as I do. I spent many years wondering why my family failed to see the reasons behind why I behaved the way I did and did what I did, etc Turns out that more than one of my family suffered abuse, and were locked away in their own silence, and as such, were unable to speak out and acknowledge their abuse, let alone mine. When faced by me, when I made my disclosure to them, then all acted in typical fashion, and closed down emotionally and to this day, no one has said a word, despite knowing what I do, appearing on TV, etc and sadly, thats the way it will have to say, as I cant make them speak out, but hope that they do some day and that some one in your family does too mate Stay safe and keep in touch mate, its good to see you here §tèvë
Andrew Oct 19th, 2007 - 5:09 PM	Re: Why am I the only family member who knows? Hi Steve, Daz and Ken. Thanks for your feedback and kind words. All very sensible stuff and I'm sure I'll get there in the end. In the last four years I've learnt so much stuff. Spent the first two totally immersed in self-help books, Mike Lew, John Bradshaw, Kay Toon, Bass/Davies etc, a tiny bit of inner child work and some psychodynamic therapy, but while learning about the true nature and effects of child abuse it's almost akin to doing a full-on psychology course and although I'm past the so-called emergency stage, the more I've learnt the more I see it everywhere. I remember once ages ago having a conversation on the phone with you Steve, in which you said that sometimes you can be sitting on a bus, and then look up at the person sitting opposite you, and despite never having even met them before, leaning forward and saying 'Do you mind if I speak to you for a minute?' cos you can literally see it on them. Well I know how that feels now and it ain't some weird mystical gift, it's just that once you know, you know, if that makes any sense?! It's just that I come up against it all the time, can't seem to have a conversation with anyone, (apart from my partner obviously), without being confronted by one misconception or another and the need to inform or educate overtakes me and off I go. When faced with that their denial issues come in to play immediately and in the aftermath, (y'know, when you're thinking 'Damn, I forgot to point out this that or the other - that would have really hammered the point home!'), my thoughts always turn to my family, and my partners family too, who are just as bad. Thats when the frustration really hits home and the need to get up on a soapbox takes over.
APM Oct 19th, 2007 - 5:14 PM	Re: Why am I the only family member who knows? Hi Andrew, I did not have the same experience as you with your family because in my case I will never say to them what happened to me when I was 14. My abuse happened around the Catholic Church. I am a Spanish 39 years old guy living in the Netherlands (only for giving you some context). I am almost 100% sure that if my father knew what a Jesuit priest did to me, he would say that it was my fault. A different subject was my Spanish friends. I disclosed to them what happened many years later because there was a great risk of other children being victimized by the same guy. The reaction of my (ex) friends were not very supportive: 1. It is not our business. 2. We should not make a tragedy of that. 3. That happened a long time ago. 4. "Those things" are for the families. 5. Families should clean their own dirty stuff at home. 6. I don’t want to be involved in any scandalous. 7. What happened to you does not change our friendship with that guy (my abuser). 8. This is something you should not talk to anybody about. etc. Maybe at that meeting there were more victims that decided to “forget” and they were angry with me because of my decision of talking. In my experience you have to assume that is YOUR LIFE the one that needs to be healed. Your life is the only important. I gave up trying to understand why other people are so insensitive. Regards APM
Craigm8vj Oct 24th, 2007 - 10:32 PM	Re: Why am I the only family member who knows? Hi Andrew I have a similar situation as yourself. I too feel i was abused when i was a baby and then all the way into my early teens by my mother. I have some memories of the abuse as i get older but from my early years its mostly just this feeling and the odd snapshot of memory. I know stuff happened. I have been in recovery for 2 1/2 years now and i still feel the need to know what happened, for my own peice of mind. I'm not sure if this woudld help me or not. Not having concrete memories of the abuse in my early years just bugs me though. I just want to know exactly what happened to me and then maybe it will be easier to put it behind me. Maybe the mind blocks these things out for good reasons, there just to horrible to remeber....who knows. Maybe we remember things once we're ready and able to face them. Take care and good luck Craig
Andrew Oct 29th, 2007 - 2:41 PM	Re: Why am I the only family member who knows? Hi Craig, Yeah, your situation sounds very similar to mine as I'm sure my mother was the main one, although I don't think it was just her. My feeling is that her speciality is babies and I was treated as the 'favourite' cos I was the first-born. She's one of those 'actress-y' types who always goes on about sex - sort of like Dorian from birds of a feather but not funny. It's one of those families that is very dysfunctional, but just under the surface. There's enough of a social veneer there to enable all the family members (including myself untill the end of 2003) to deny any problems. I spose the main reason I find it frustrating is that I'm still angry at my family, angry for everything that happened, and angry that they can't see what they are. I feel like if I could clearly remember everything I'd feel better equipped to go in there and destroy their whole system of denial out of revenge!! But because it's dreams and feelings (which i trust 100%) and evidence based on my behaviour as I grew up it could be easier for them to undermine me with my 'lack of proof'. Even then I'd fight the bozoes. But as Ken said, you do very slowly move on from that and waste less time on your family and it will matter less and less til eventually you don't even need to say fuck 'em. I'm not there yet though. However.......... It's different for everyone obviously but if it's any use to you, I don't think remembering will actually help one's own personal recovery, in that you don't need to remember to recover. But i don't think recovery means putting it behind you, that to me feels like something to aspire to which is in fact unnatainable and to try and aim for that will result in constant disappointment. How can anyone put that behind them when everything you do, say, feel, (or not not feel!) and think is affected by it?! I think the trick is to acknowledge every problem we have and try to find ways around it than to aspire to everyone elses idea of normality cos people like us won't ever achieve it. On the plus side, the emotional and psychological insights we get through ongoing recovery are amazing. It's as if we lift a dirty veil off of the world that everyone else still has their head under! It's a bit of a pretentious quote and I can't remember where i read it but we are cracked vases and when we go through recovery we are still cracked vases but the cracks are filled with gold! Brilliant!!