Ken

Jun 17, 07 - 4:16 PM

Father's Day

After Dad died it didn't mean anything to me for years, this year, I wore his stopped watch and thought of him for a while.

I guess the question is, if your Dad's your abuser do you have a reason to like today at all, and celebrate?

In the end I didn't go and (for example) spend any extra money using a Father's day voucher that I picked up for a retail store, but he did pop into my head for one other day apart from his birthday and the anniversary of his death. Getting back late from a concert wiped me out so I slept like a log though, no dreams and no memories as there might have been otherwise, it took much longer.

Jeez I'm rambling, I'll shut up, but all opinions welcome...

§tèvë

Jun 17th, 2007 - 4:26 PM

Re: Father's Day

As a dad myself, I have had a great day and lots of presents from my three children ( all adults now, but still spoil me, as I spoil them)

I hated my father, not because he sexually abused me, but because he was a nasty drunken bastard that made me fear him most of my childhood

It takes very little to become a father, but its a lifes worth being a dad, and I thankfully know that my three kids love me for who I am

§tèvëc9

martin

Jun 17th, 2007 - 10:20 PM

Re: Father's Day

Hi guys.

both strinking points. My father sexually, physically and mentally abused me and my brother. I have a younger (8 years)brother and sister, who were not sexually or physically abused, thankfully! My sister once said to me I feel really guilty what happened to you. Obviously I reassured that she had nothing to be guilty about. We both agreed that she too, amongst the whole family, that we were subject to mental abuse. Which I am sure we all agree feck one up!

I disowned my father 3 years ago, but told him prior to that, that I would not buy a gift and card. How the hellcould I? The messages in the cards go along the lines of wonderful Dad, special Dad etc, etc.

Thanks

Ken

Jun 17th, 2007 - 10:52 PM

Re: Father's Day

True Martin, but I was looking more at the covers of cards than the messages inside, and when I found one describing a cricket scene, I bought it for him and he liked it so much that he framed it and hung it from that Father's Day until the day he died.

This was years after the beatings stopped. Whether it was Mum pushing him to be more interested or whether it was guilt at how he treated my brother and I, I'll never know.

I don't know whether I should call it the day I actually elicited an emotion out of him that wasn't negative, and hold on to that fact as something good.

Dave

Jun 18th, 2007 - 4:01 AM

Re: Father's Day

Hey...

I am a father...as Steve has pointed out, being a father is about more than biology.

It's a good topic, Ken. "I guess the question is, if your Dad's your abuser do you have a reason to like today at all, and celebrate?"

My dad used to make pancakes on Sunday mornings after church. We'd take turns...have contests to see who could eat the most pancakes, my brothers and I. As a father, I made pancakes for my girls on Sunday mornings. My daughters both, when they had children, asked for the recipe and how to make them so they could make them for their children.

There are things I do and things I see in myself that remind me of my father often.

I tried to balance one against the other...the good against the bad for a very long time...as a father myself I tried to feel compassion for just how difficult it is to be a father. I imagined I had some degree of responsibility for the choice he made to end his life after I disclosed.

But what makes this a truly excellent topic is I do not often think of how things have changed as I walk through this process.

The only time he ever owned it...was the day he took his life...and even in that I am not sure and will never know for sure what his motivation was. But in an ironic sort of twist of fate...he validated everything I said...every truth I told.

It doesn't take a lot of strength or much of a man to hold a three year old down, make him bleed. It doesn't take a lot of courage to use a belt or any other weapon against a little boy. It doesn't take a lot of intelligence to manipulate, coerce or persuade a three year old to want to love them.

He wasn't much of a man...and he was an even worse father. A psycopath. I celebrate his death, Ken...not his life.

Thanks

Dave

Author	Comment
Ken Jun 17, 07 - 4:16 PM	Father's Day After Dad died it didn't mean anything to me for years, this year, I wore his stopped watch and thought of him for a while. I guess the question is, if your Dad's your abuser do you have a reason to like today at all, and celebrate? In the end I didn't go and (for example) spend any extra money using a Father's day voucher that I picked up for a retail store, but he did pop into my head for one other day apart from his birthday and the anniversary of his death. Getting back late from a concert wiped me out so I slept like a log though, no dreams and no memories as there might have been otherwise, it took much longer. Jeez I'm rambling, I'll shut up, but all opinions welcome...
§tèvë Jun 17th, 2007 - 4:26 PM	Re: Father's Day As a dad myself, I have had a great day and lots of presents from my three children ( all adults now, but still spoil me, as I spoil them) I hated my father, not because he sexually abused me, but because he was a nasty drunken bastard that made me fear him most of my childhood It takes very little to become a father, but its a lifes worth being a dad, and I thankfully know that my three kids love me for who I am §tèvëc9
martin Jun 17th, 2007 - 10:20 PM	Re: Father's Day Hi guys. both strinking points. My father sexually, physically and mentally abused me and my brother. I have a younger (8 years)brother and sister, who were not sexually or physically abused, thankfully! My sister once said to me I feel really guilty what happened to you. Obviously I reassured that she had nothing to be guilty about. We both agreed that she too, amongst the whole family, that we were subject to mental abuse. Which I am sure we all agree feck one up! I disowned my father 3 years ago, but told him prior to that, that I would not buy a gift and card. How the hellcould I? The messages in the cards go along the lines of wonderful Dad, special Dad etc, etc. Thanks
Ken Jun 17th, 2007 - 10:52 PM	Re: Father's Day True Martin, but I was looking more at the covers of cards than the messages inside, and when I found one describing a cricket scene, I bought it for him and he liked it so much that he framed it and hung it from that Father's Day until the day he died. This was years after the beatings stopped. Whether it was Mum pushing him to be more interested or whether it was guilt at how he treated my brother and I, I'll never know. I don't know whether I should call it the day I actually elicited an emotion out of him that wasn't negative, and hold on to that fact as something good.
Dave Jun 18th, 2007 - 4:01 AM	Re: Father's Day Hey... I am a father...as Steve has pointed out, being a father is about more than biology. It's a good topic, Ken. "I guess the question is, if your Dad's your abuser do you have a reason to like today at all, and celebrate?" My dad used to make pancakes on Sunday mornings after church. We'd take turns...have contests to see who could eat the most pancakes, my brothers and I. As a father, I made pancakes for my girls on Sunday mornings. My daughters both, when they had children, asked for the recipe and how to make them so they could make them for their children. There are things I do and things I see in myself that remind me of my father often. I tried to balance one against the other...the good against the bad for a very long time...as a father myself I tried to feel compassion for just how difficult it is to be a father. I imagined I had some degree of responsibility for the choice he made to end his life after I disclosed. But what makes this a truly excellent topic is I do not often think of how things have changed as I walk through this process. The only time he ever owned it...was the day he took his life...and even in that I am not sure and will never know for sure what his motivation was. But in an ironic sort of twist of fate...he validated everything I said...every truth I told. It doesn't take a lot of strength or much of a man to hold a three year old down, make him bleed. It doesn't take a lot of courage to use a belt or any other weapon against a little boy. It doesn't take a lot of intelligence to manipulate, coerce or persuade a three year old to want to love them. He wasn't much of a man...and he was an even worse father. A psycopath. I celebrate his death, Ken...not his life. Thanks Dave