Steve

Jan 21, 07 - 4:21 PM

Do you take care of yourself?

Something that is common amongst survivors is the lack of due care that we pay to ourselves, and the fallout that come from that lack of care.

In most abuse cases, the child who was abused grows up to be a people pleaser, and as such, becomes the nicest person to have around, who is always available, day or night, who always turns out, no matter what and is often treated with little respect

This all stems from the abuse, in which we were 'schooled' to please the abusers, and that carries on into our adulthood.

So, the way forward is to start to pay more attention to YOUR needs, and when you feel tired...rest and sleep.

When you feel hungry..eat and do so properly, don’t just eat junk food.

When you need time for yourself, do just that, and take time out
Turn off the phone, mobile and Internet and rest up!

Go out, walk, play games with the kids, if you have any and if not play games anyway.

If nothing else, make sure that you take care of yourself, because no-one else will do so, no matter what they say

Steve

Moonchildhippy

Jan 23rd, 2007 - 3:26 PM

Re: Do you take care of yourself?

Hi wise words Steve,

I hope you don't mind a female encroaching on your space, but something in your message struck a chord with me.

I was sexually assaulted by a gang of boys on a few occaisions from school when I was 11, I was threatened with violence/death threats if I didn't comply. One night it ended up getting back to my friends, my form teacher, headmistress, my parents and also the police. With all this questioning I began to feel guilty.

Imagine my horror when a slightly older cousin began to feel me up,a few months afterwards. I couldn't go to my parents and ask if what he was doing was right or wrong.I felt somewhat confused in that I'd "go back for more" , but afterwards I had this feeling of being "dirty". I guess many people who've been abused seem to look for love/sffection, but only end up feeling used again.

I think during my teenage years when I was about 16 I'd seem to enter into sexual "relationships" with men , I'd "allow" them to use my body. I was consenting, in that I didn't say "NO", but I wasn't really saying "Yes" either. I think I had this fear of saying "No", I guess those earlier threats were in my head. Again despite having given "permission" I would feel "dirty" and used afterwards. I was also raped at 19.

So began me becoming a People Pleaser. I guess my marriage wasn't much different. Perhaps I should've realised earlier, but I think any doubts on my wedding day I'd put down to nerves, and it was all paid for so hard to back out. I separated from my husband in 2005.
I guess during the marriage I ended up always trying to please my husband, or what he'd do is keep on about things until I got fed up and eventually agreed, such as three or moresomes with his mates, for me this felt like the abuse over again. Also tried anal sex with me after I clearly said NO, as the thought of it just didn't appeal to me , but each to his /her own.

Anyway my ex husband is severely disabled with MS, I was his full time "Carer", but I would so often get worn out, in July 2005 after having a holiday in Herefordshire with a friend I realised that I could no longer look after him much longer. He wouldn't consider respite care so I'd have a break, I'd have had alot more respect for him if he'd at least given it a try. I guess I would often give in to his demands, I guess it was this fear of saying No, and when he was able to the physical violence, or objects thrown at me, or names and other verbal abuse.

It was thanks to my Carer's Team Social Worker that I managed to be rehoused into a place of my own. I guess deep down I'd been wanting a divorce since 1988, but I guess I didn't feel strong enough to do it then. Another thing I'd often do is end up running errands for his friends, as I found it hard to say no. I seem to have spent most my adult life as a people pleaser.

I think now I'm older and wiser I'm able to root out those people who just want to use me. I'm happy to help a GENIUINE friend out, as I know they won't take advantage. I've since found many REAL friends.

If my posting this helps just one person then it's been worthwhile. Yes there was times wheen I'd neglect my needs/wishes, and have abused my body, comfort eating in the main, am now loosing weight, as it's something I wish to do.
Now I feel as if I'm beginning to get my life back on track, all be it going the scenic route rather than the motorway. I've a good platonic friend in Terry, he motivates me if things get tough

.
Guys it IS possible to recover from an abusive path , it isn't easy but is well worth it, I run a messageboard/website for female survivors of rape/abuse.

DeeDee

Jan 24th, 2007 - 11:56 AM

Re: Do you take care of yourself?

I didn't take care of my own needs for many years, as the only way I could feel good was if I did for others. I am in a different place now, I balance my time with plenty of ME-time these days.

John F

Jan 31st, 2007 - 10:57 PM

Re: Do you take care of yourself?

Thanks for this thread, and to Moonchildhippy for your brave story.

I can relate to having always found it difficult to take care of myself in a healthy way, and can relate to staying in unhealthy and exploitative relationships. I was prepared to pay almost any price, in order to avoid conflict, or being made to feel shame or guilt.

Have always been drawn to those who gave out "Rescue Me" signals, and then found that I felt guilty whenever I did something, however small, just for me.
This might evn be watching a TV programme.

Have always found it difficult to distinguish between "wants" and "needs", both mine and other peoples.

Have tended to respond defensively and covertly angrily at any criticism, or perceived criticism.

Getting better now, as I've learnt to be more quietly assertive, rather than defensively rebellious.
That said, nothing works with some people, and I have finally learnt to just stay clear of them.

Hope more of you share on this topic.

John F

Moonchildhippy

Feb 2nd, 2007 - 6:23 PM

Re: Do you take care of yourself?

Hi just realised a typo error I've been wanting a divorce since 1998 not 88 , I wasn't married then. Have appointment Tuesday to file divorce petition.

I guess for me recovery was all about getting the right help. I've been depressed, but it wasn't until I saw my psychotherapist (Gemma), that i felt able to make progress. I did see this older Asian psychatrist , but with him I ended up talking about aids and adaptions for disabled people rather than the sexual abuse which was the real issue bothering me. Gemma was impressed with the speed I worked at challenging the negative beliefs I've held about myself. I guess gtting help on the NHS can be a lottery.

I guess looking back on my marriage I would put up with physical,berbal, financial and sometimes sexual abuse, ie two counts of buggery against my wishes,I clearly said "NO" and my husband wanting intercourse when I had cystitis. I guess to the outside word my husband would appear a decent bloke, a mutual friend Jude would secretly be critical of him when he'd shout at me, I tried my best. I guess the marriage only lasted as long as it did as I would have felt guilty for leaving a disabled guy, but I became so burned out.

Guys from a male point of view sexual abuse might not be a very "manly" thing to admit to but it's possible to recover if you can get it out your system in a positive way. I now feel able to challenge negative beliefs I've had about myself for so long.

DoubleNine

Jun 12th, 2007 - 5:58 PM

Re: Do you take care of yourself?

I have to admit that recently the answer was no. In fact I made myself go and do 50 situps when I read the thread and will grab the dumbells when I have finished posting, that's my average cardio workout when at home. My problem was not setting further goals, I have fitted back into my old clothes one size smaller by living in the gym at the start of the year but it was all or nothing, no balance, no variety, that's why I stopped. Now I'm slowly getting back and not lazing about for the summer.

Moonchildhippy, thanks for sharing all that.

Steve, one thing you didn't list was financial self-abuse, which I have carried out for a long time using credit cards and living for payday and buying stacks of distraction crap I never needed like magazines, CDs/DVDs etc (see the long version of my I'm New thread with the mansized link) and am only just correcting this, seven weeks before yet another job comes to an end and I have to find the next thing and keep my mortgage and home out of danger. I didn't manage my career up to now which is why I've had three jobs in five years. There's always pressure to find a job quickly but it just has to be have a future this time and I have to want to progress in it.

On the self-care front the gym is at work so I have to make use of it to get back to some kind of routine whilst it's so heavily subsidised.

Ken

Jun 12th, 2007 - 10:21 PM

Re: Do you take care of yourself?

On your second post Moonchildhippy, survivors of either gender disclose, only perpetrators have anything to admit or confess. Machismo never came into it for me, it's just that the heavily discipline/physical abuse went on for much longer than the sole incident of sexual abuse, so that took priority. Survivors London is helping with both and the younger generation know to just go and get help where facilities exist.

Author	Comment
Steve Jan 21, 07 - 4:21 PM	Do you take care of yourself? Something that is common amongst survivors is the lack of due care that we pay to ourselves, and the fallout that come from that lack of care. In most abuse cases, the child who was abused grows up to be a people pleaser, and as such, becomes the nicest person to have around, who is always available, day or night, who always turns out, no matter what and is often treated with little respect This all stems from the abuse, in which we were 'schooled' to please the abusers, and that carries on into our adulthood. So, the way forward is to start to pay more attention to YOUR needs, and when you feel tired...rest and sleep. When you feel hungry..eat and do so properly, don’t just eat junk food. When you need time for yourself, do just that, and take time out Turn off the phone, mobile and Internet and rest up! Go out, walk, play games with the kids, if you have any and if not play games anyway. If nothing else, make sure that you take care of yourself, because no-one else will do so, no matter what they say Steve
Moonchildhippy Jan 23rd, 2007 - 3:26 PM	Re: Do you take care of yourself? Hi wise words Steve, I hope you don't mind a female encroaching on your space, but something in your message struck a chord with me. I was sexually assaulted by a gang of boys on a few occaisions from school when I was 11, I was threatened with violence/death threats if I didn't comply. One night it ended up getting back to my friends, my form teacher, headmistress, my parents and also the police. With all this questioning I began to feel guilty. Imagine my horror when a slightly older cousin began to feel me up,a few months afterwards. I couldn't go to my parents and ask if what he was doing was right or wrong.I felt somewhat confused in that I'd "go back for more" , but afterwards I had this feeling of being "dirty". I guess many people who've been abused seem to look for love/sffection, but only end up feeling used again. I think during my teenage years when I was about 16 I'd seem to enter into sexual "relationships" with men , I'd "allow" them to use my body. I was consenting, in that I didn't say "NO", but I wasn't really saying "Yes" either. I think I had this fear of saying "No", I guess those earlier threats were in my head. Again despite having given "permission" I would feel "dirty" and used afterwards. I was also raped at 19. So began me becoming a People Pleaser. I guess my marriage wasn't much different. Perhaps I should've realised earlier, but I think any doubts on my wedding day I'd put down to nerves, and it was all paid for so hard to back out. I separated from my husband in 2005. I guess during the marriage I ended up always trying to please my husband, or what he'd do is keep on about things until I got fed up and eventually agreed, such as three or moresomes with his mates, for me this felt like the abuse over again. Also tried anal sex with me after I clearly said NO, as the thought of it just didn't appeal to me , but each to his /her own. Anyway my ex husband is severely disabled with MS, I was his full time "Carer", but I would so often get worn out, in July 2005 after having a holiday in Herefordshire with a friend I realised that I could no longer look after him much longer. He wouldn't consider respite care so I'd have a break, I'd have had alot more respect for him if he'd at least given it a try. I guess I would often give in to his demands, I guess it was this fear of saying No, and when he was able to the physical violence, or objects thrown at me, or names and other verbal abuse. It was thanks to my Carer's Team Social Worker that I managed to be rehoused into a place of my own. I guess deep down I'd been wanting a divorce since 1988, but I guess I didn't feel strong enough to do it then. Another thing I'd often do is end up running errands for his friends, as I found it hard to say no. I seem to have spent most my adult life as a people pleaser. I think now I'm older and wiser I'm able to root out those people who just want to use me. I'm happy to help a GENIUINE friend out, as I know they won't take advantage. I've since found many REAL friends. If my posting this helps just one person then it's been worthwhile. Yes there was times wheen I'd neglect my needs/wishes, and have abused my body, comfort eating in the main, am now loosing weight, as it's something I wish to do. Now I feel as if I'm beginning to get my life back on track, all be it going the scenic route rather than the motorway. I've a good platonic friend in Terry, he motivates me if things get tough . Guys it IS possible to recover from an abusive path , it isn't easy but is well worth it, I run a messageboard/website for female survivors of rape/abuse.
DeeDee Jan 24th, 2007 - 11:56 AM	Re: Do you take care of yourself? I didn't take care of my own needs for many years, as the only way I could feel good was if I did for others. I am in a different place now, I balance my time with plenty of ME-time these days.
John F Jan 31st, 2007 - 10:57 PM	Re: Do you take care of yourself? Thanks for this thread, and to Moonchildhippy for your brave story. I can relate to having always found it difficult to take care of myself in a healthy way, and can relate to staying in unhealthy and exploitative relationships. I was prepared to pay almost any price, in order to avoid conflict, or being made to feel shame or guilt. Have always been drawn to those who gave out "Rescue Me" signals, and then found that I felt guilty whenever I did something, however small, just for me. This might evn be watching a TV programme. Have always found it difficult to distinguish between "wants" and "needs", both mine and other peoples. Have tended to respond defensively and covertly angrily at any criticism, or perceived criticism. Getting better now, as I've learnt to be more quietly assertive, rather than defensively rebellious. That said, nothing works with some people, and I have finally learnt to just stay clear of them. Hope more of you share on this topic. John F
Moonchildhippy Feb 2nd, 2007 - 6:23 PM	Re: Do you take care of yourself? Hi just realised a typo error I've been wanting a divorce since 1998 not 88 , I wasn't married then. Have appointment Tuesday to file divorce petition. I guess for me recovery was all about getting the right help. I've been depressed, but it wasn't until I saw my psychotherapist (Gemma), that i felt able to make progress. I did see this older Asian psychatrist , but with him I ended up talking about aids and adaptions for disabled people rather than the sexual abuse which was the real issue bothering me. Gemma was impressed with the speed I worked at challenging the negative beliefs I've held about myself. I guess gtting help on the NHS can be a lottery. I guess looking back on my marriage I would put up with physical,berbal, financial and sometimes sexual abuse, ie two counts of buggery against my wishes,I clearly said "NO" and my husband wanting intercourse when I had cystitis. I guess to the outside word my husband would appear a decent bloke, a mutual friend Jude would secretly be critical of him when he'd shout at me, I tried my best. I guess the marriage only lasted as long as it did as I would have felt guilty for leaving a disabled guy, but I became so burned out. Guys from a male point of view sexual abuse might not be a very "manly" thing to admit to but it's possible to recover if you can get it out your system in a positive way. I now feel able to challenge negative beliefs I've had about myself for so long.
DoubleNine Jun 12th, 2007 - 5:58 PM	Re: Do you take care of yourself? I have to admit that recently the answer was no. In fact I made myself go and do 50 situps when I read the thread and will grab the dumbells when I have finished posting, that's my average cardio workout when at home. My problem was not setting further goals, I have fitted back into my old clothes one size smaller by living in the gym at the start of the year but it was all or nothing, no balance, no variety, that's why I stopped. Now I'm slowly getting back and not lazing about for the summer. Moonchildhippy, thanks for sharing all that. Steve, one thing you didn't list was financial self-abuse, which I have carried out for a long time using credit cards and living for payday and buying stacks of distraction crap I never needed like magazines, CDs/DVDs etc (see the long version of my I'm New thread with the mansized link) and am only just correcting this, seven weeks before yet another job comes to an end and I have to find the next thing and keep my mortgage and home out of danger. I didn't manage my career up to now which is why I've had three jobs in five years. There's always pressure to find a job quickly but it just has to be have a future this time and I have to want to progress in it. On the self-care front the gym is at work so I have to make use of it to get back to some kind of routine whilst it's so heavily subsidised.
Ken Jun 12th, 2007 - 10:21 PM	Re: Do you take care of yourself? On your second post Moonchildhippy, survivors of either gender disclose, only perpetrators have anything to admit or confess. Machismo never came into it for me, it's just that the heavily discipline/physical abuse went on for much longer than the sole incident of sexual abuse, so that took priority. Survivors London is helping with both and the younger generation know to just go and get help where facilities exist.