Steve

Jan 13, 07 - 9:37 PM

Dont know what to say?

Hi guys

So many people reading the posts here, and then not posting themselves, because they feel unable to do so, or perhaps have no idea what to say, or just shy, etc

Anyhow, please feel free to say HI, say anything, because you wont be judged and who knows, you may even get a reply and maybe some answers to any questions your may pose

Stay safe

Steve

Paige

Jan 15th, 2007 - 11:48 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Aww yeah if your reading and just wanna say hi please do.

I am Paige and i extend my welcome to every one xx

alexey

Jan 15th, 2007 - 5:25 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Thanks Steve!

Hi to all. My name is Alexey. I'm a survivor from Russia. Take care all!

I hope to talk to you soon.

Alexey

Thor Wright

Jan 19th, 2007 - 12:05 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

My name is Thor, survivor from the USA.

PS Steve- just a hunch, but posters may find it troublesome to enter their name, email, and entering a code each time they want to post.

Then again, it may inspire longer posts...

Steve

Jan 19th, 2007 - 12:47 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Thor

Good to see you again mate

re: entering name, email, and entering a code each time..........

It should be entered for you when you post, but maybe some systems dont like it

Cant change it either mate, as its pre-set to do that and the code stops spammers too

Steve

John F

Jan 31st, 2007 - 11:00 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

I've rambled on elsewhere, but just thought I'd say Hi, here as well.

John F.
(Old, but not buried yet)

DeeDee

Feb 1st, 2007 - 9:14 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Going thru waves of crisis at the mo! supporting my son, thru the pain of surviving, dealing with, what that trigger's in me. We are helping each other. But I constantly wonder WHY? why my precious little man should through the pain, it doesn't make sense, where is the justice? Then another day dawns, things seem a little better, we find the courage to carry on.

DeeDee

Feb 1st, 2007 - 9:21 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Dear Steve
on reading thru some of the messages I see you have given a tel number, do you offer phone support/counselling, my son and me are looking for extended support networks, he's 13 can you help?

Trish

Feb 2nd, 2007 - 5:09 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi,
My husband has finally decided that he is able to look for help, and i got your name Steve, from someone on another site, so, i will phone to see what you can do if anything. He is down in Swindon now and then, or can be, or, we live in Cheshire? anyone like you up here, to help him?
He was 'had' by the worst people possible, i always think this is worse then those of us who were just 'got' by semi strangers, although its still all horrible,
big hugs to all of us

dany boy

Feb 24th, 2007 - 4:51 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Abuse of any kind just drops that pepple in the pond. The ripples just keep on rolling.For Mother Fathers brother Sisters wives etc etc. It changes their lives for ever. Not everyone is abused by someone they know and the evil is to great to measure no matter who it was. All you guys out there in turmoil just be strong and believe with your heart that your great people even if you have lost your way. Just drop back on that path and believe what you really know is true. That you are as good as you believe in your own heart.

Thor Wright

Feb 24th, 2007 - 11:47 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Good grief. It does save it...heh heh. Silly Thor, computers are for smart people.

Dunx

Feb 25th, 2007 - 6:42 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi there, from Dunx

AKA Japanzen Aka wornoutsoul

Im always around except when Im a square

Rob

Mar 1st, 2007 - 11:03 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Steve

Have to agree with Thor. Think the main reason people are not posting is because they're not ready to be 'outed'. Your email address can give your identity away (depending on how it's made up)to anybody viewing the site. I'm sure many more would contribute to the forum if this was not visible. Many forums allow you to 'hide' your personal details. Is this not possible?

Failing this I recommend anybody wanting to post but not be identified just signs up for a free hormail or yahoo email address and creates something that doesn't identify you (can be like mine here or even more obscure if you want to be completely anonymous)

I'm sure being able to share your experiences on a foum like this will help you begin the journey of recovery and then you can move forward at a pace that suits you.

Hope this helps, Rob

Steve

Mar 1st, 2007 - 11:07 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Rob

Theres no reason to add your email address to the post, so please feel free to NOT do so

Steve

Trydeep

Mar 11th, 2007 - 12:02 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Guys,

Just turned 41 and have finally started on the journey to confront the abuse I suffered. I was abused at the age of approx 9 and since then have pushed it away and kept it as ' my dirty secret '. I told my wife one year ago and I think that that was the start of my journey to recovery. At the minute I feel really alone but i know that other people have experienced the same & worse than me. Anyway, please reply to the posting as I have kept this hidden for over 30 years and now feel strong enough to talk.

P.S. Thanks Steve for being there last night on E Mail..... it really helped and brought me here today. Cheers mate!

daz

Mar 12th, 2007 - 11:58 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi I have just read the last post, and all the rest. really love this site I have found loads of help via swindon survivors web page just afraid to really let it out. I have so much to say but never really sure where to start.
So maybe this will be the begining Hi to all

Steve

Mar 12th, 2007 - 12:41 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Daz

Good to see that the pages are of help mate and rest assured you won't be judged here

If you still feel unsafe at the moment, please email me direct, using the link at the top of the page, (just above the site banner) which will not be seen by anyone else except me

Steve

Hi Tech Copper

Mar 15th, 2007 - 8:59 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi

I’m afraid I’m one of those guilty of lurking here & not posting! Without going into too much detail I visit many sites like this and admire each & every one of them. I regularly visit this site & wish I could give an update to the Operation Ore link but I’m sure you will understand, I cant, but let me say that in my force area several hundred were convicted, not the dozen listed.

It’s a shame the government didn’t publicise Operation Sirdar (try Google) as they did with Ore.? Several thousand suspects identified in 2004

Anyway, back to the thread. Please take time to visit my blog and ask any questions as I sit at the other end of the fence when it comes to abuse of children, the Law Enforcement side.

Keep up the excellent work

HTC

http://hitechcrimeunit.blogspot.com/

PS.. I’ve only just started it but I am getting some very interesting emails!

Steve

Mar 15th, 2007 - 9:48 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi HTC

Real good to hear from you mate, and no longer a lurker, by posting tonight.. and also good to see the work you do, however hard that might be, having to view that sick stuff.

We..the survivors of csa/rape, and the children still being abused today...need more guys like you and as such, you have my admiration for working in this arena

Stay safe

Steve

Trydeep

May 19th, 2007 - 2:47 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Steve, Got your mail and deleted it when I saw it. Guess I'm not ready to do anything yet. \things have really changed in my life. Total change of career. \Earning loads of money ..but guess what... all the probs and issues are still there. Guess this cant be cured. Pretty pissed off at the minute. Would appreciate phone no as I woulld like to meet up with everyone.
Be strong & safe

Phil

martin

May 20th, 2007 - 9:01 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

I guess it is all down to isolation and the fact time is travelling with breakneck speed. Can't believe we are in May already!

I guess it is all the more reason to want to heal. Easier said than done though, that is why we have to be there for each other.

DoubleNine

Jun 10th, 2007 - 6:17 PM

Re: Don't know what to say?

Steve,

Thank you for this forum!

My twopence on this is that I've been going to Survivors London (I don't want to call it Survivors UK when it's not actually countrywide) for four months now, and didn't actually realise that Swindon's web presence was better developed. Then when I saw it, I didn't want to cross post to another forum (previously had been on mansized and US Men's Health).

However now that I'm realising it's better to post among people with the same experiences, and that's why I've come over. Hope I'm welcome! I agree with setting up a hotmail/yahoo account with no identifying info on it, that's just sensible for the web and I've done that.

§tèvë

Jun 10th, 2007 - 6:24 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi

You're more than welcome here, and feel free to add what you like, and join in too

Thnaks for the comemnts about the site too, it takes some maintiaing, but worth the effort

Glad to have you with us mate, and feel free to email me anytme you need an ear to bend, etc

§tèvë

§tèvë

Jun 10th, 2007 - 6:25 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Shit spelling above...i can speel.. honest

DoubleNine

Jun 10th, 2007 - 10:11 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

haha it's your forum, spell how you like and let me know how you get those French accents I'm trying to learn it, and it's easier to type it than write it in this lazy internet age...

martin made a comment earlier about being there for each other. I'm even more cynical about it now, I believe the only other person who will fully give a toss about you, is another male survivor. Or at least they'll fully understand your past whether or not you are friends. Hopefully that's just me sounding off as I hit the first real wall since therapy began.

Ken

Jun 12th, 2007 - 10:10 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Rob makes a good point about having to move yourself mentally to want to use your first name as is preferred on the forum. Since I disclosed to someone tonight, that I'd known for four years, and it went all right, that made it easier to take part on the forum and I like the lack of live net links, it's easier. I didn't really lurk, I just found the place, read one of the Daves' stories and went again, before coming back.

It's the people y'see

hi

Jul 30th, 2007 - 9:56 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

i am sorry i dont know where to start

Ken

Aug 1st, 2007 - 12:11 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hello and welcome "hi", that's probably a side effect of looking at all those PHPbb forums where everything's got a distinct folder and bracket and subgrouping.

Here, you make your own hello thread and if you want to throw up your own posting about any particular book/TV show/film that you think others might find helpful, or write a poem or rant you can do that too.

Trydeep

Aug 1st, 2007 - 12:21 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Guys,

Back again. God I could write the script.... feel the bad feelings reach saturation and want to talk, feel OK for a while and then push them down successfully. But here we go again Bad memories and feelings rising again and here I am back again looking for support ( ? ) Well, at least insight is a step forward !!!! Comments welcome guys !

Ken

Aug 1st, 2007 - 12:36 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hello again Trydeep, I have to crash now, big day ahead tomorrow but if you're already posted your story could you tell me the name of the thread so I can go straight to it when I wake up? Will be back in six hours if yesterday was anything to go by...

Trydeep

Aug 1st, 2007 - 12:43 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hey Guys,

Now that Im back maybe you can help. Having flashbacks..I always did but now I find that I have developed this mad fuckin' twitch everytime I get the bad thoughts in my head !!! Hope I'm not going mad but it is really getting to be a pain in the neck .... and I am talking literally here . If anyone can help please post.

Ken

Aug 1st, 2007 - 12:57 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

So much for crashing, counselling is cancelled tomorrow but at least that means a relatively normal work day with no rushing off before everything gets done.

You're not going mad but it depends, mine was hit and run abuse, happened the once, so I have a specific anniversary where it's really bad for a few days and then it goes away for a long time until something else triggers it.

The leaflets and whatever Steve's written on their site are all true Trydeep, during my teens I tried to repress a second time and they just came back with more force, (you've probably been told all this before but) basically I just got writing it down and tracking the flashbacks so I could avoid certain places or whatever I knew would trigger me off. It's not been easy still travelling to work when I connected the Tube with my panic attacks and that resulted in travelling later for more space in the train and avoiding rush hour.

What can you pinpoint that makes these flashbacks so much worse now if you've always had them, do you also have an anniversary point, perhaps things are building up to the time of your worst ever abuse if it was serial and routine? For example (this is assuming you didn't shove it all in a thread so I'm not making you repeat yourself).

Ken

Aug 1st, 2007 - 1:02 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Major apologies for not reading your earliest post Trydeep though I said the same thing, sort of! You "push these feelings back down again". As a kid that worked for me then as a teenager, it stopped working.

Once I decided to let things go through my head, my triggering came under some minimal control, though it was like mental cold turkey.

Beyond that I will shut my trap and let Steve do his stuff, time allowing before the retreat, but those details (above) will need answering.

Trydeep

Aug 1st, 2007 - 1:14 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Guys,

There is no real anniversary... just when I start feeling bad about myself then the memories come rushing in and then the shit happens !! I think self esteem and stress are the triggers. I have had no counselling and am all in turmoil about informing police ( I feel that something should be done but am afraid of how i will be treated/perceived ) What are the details of the retreat ( time , venue etc )

Thanks for the replies !!!

Still smiling ( I think !!! )

§tèvë

Aug 1st, 2007 - 3:23 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi

First off, the retreat is fully booked, so sorry about that.

It was listed on the website for months, until taken down a few weeks ago, when we got fully booked up

Its taking place this coming Friday evening, til Sunday lunchtime, in the midst of deepest Wiltshire, and should/will be a great weekend away from life and we'll do some amazing work on male survivor issues

As for answering the above posts?

Not quite sure what I'm supposed to answer with, but thats because I've just got online, got quite a few emails that answering fast, and because I'm working on the helpline later this evening, I'm having some ME time before that takes place, so will come back later to read fully and see if there is any input I can offer

§tèvë

Trydeep

Aug 3rd, 2007 - 12:08 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Answering the above posts ???

§tèvë

Aug 3rd, 2007 - 12:13 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Sorry fella

Been celebrating my birthday today so had no time to answer anything and off first thing in the morning for the weekend retreat

§tèvë

Ken

Aug 3rd, 2007 - 11:41 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

My apologies as well Trydeep, had a day of recovering from my drunken leaving drinks yesterday (NOTE I am not advocating getting blind drunk as a way of coping, but sometimes it is fun!) but now I'll do the bureaucracy on Monday.

I've noticed something else I missed about your posts when I responded the first time due to tiredness so I'm going to open another tab in Opera to see the forum and my responses and that way, hope to address anything that connects with my situation.

Ken

Aug 3rd, 2007 - 1:32 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Right then Trydeep, that's the benefit of responding when awake. Didn't realise you'd already talked with Steve.

It depends on this job of yours, I was also in an area where stress was a great motivator or so I believed. As you've found out, combining it with all of life's other stresses will have the effect that it's having on you now.

I'm going to keep it to the practical stuff anyone can do as it's a weekend.

1) Hit http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/ and start with the archives of this guy's blog, it has been gold dust to me since Xmas last year when I found it.

2) Hit any big retail bookshop and pick up Our Little Secret by Duncan Fairhurst as he put his abuser away years later - you can read that right away for some persepective on the legal process. My review of the book is elsewhere on the forum.

3) Also, just make telephone enquiries to see if your local area's forces has any equivalent of The Havens in London, where discussion of your case can be made in a neutral setting.

4) On the internet, go through the Survivors Swindon shop link, sign into Amazon.co.uk and order yourself Victims No Longer by Mike Lew, which is as good as everyone says it is.

Abused Boys by Mic Hunter has one section of one chapter which made me very angry, but the rest is a good starting point - be aware that the latter book has standard American close-set single-line spacing, which I personally find hard to read so it's best read in batches and then split into its own two parts, of advice, and survivor testimonies.

There are other books but those were my first three at the start of the year, one per month in winter, and they've all been read twice. Like I said, "Secret" is the one which you're most likely to find in a good/large bookshop like Ottakars.

5) If you have had no counselling go out and get either some kind of diary or other type of bound writing book ( don't nick them from work, you're new to the job ) - print any emails to go in it as a head start, but I've found it therapeutic, if slower, to write it out. Track your progress from the minute you contacted Steve and you'll have an idea of how far you've come, and you'll figure out where you want to go with SS's help.

So - the two self-help books, get them online, but the website, Duncan Fairhurst's book and a piece of stationery, you can get hold of those this weekend whilst you're waiting for Steve to come back to you.

Saying any more would mean stepping across Steve's toes EXCEPT to say that you're married and you have this great new job and you should look at the start of dealing with your childhood abuse as the third point in the triangle this year. It will also help pay for any practicalities in seeing Steve (eg travel) if that's where your discussions take you.

Trydeep

Nov 29th, 2007 - 11:20 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Thank u everyone for your support. i apologise for not contacting you all sooner been very busy..... but also in denial ( You guys can't be fooled and know better !!! ) Anyway SORRY!!!! Will post soon and more often

§tèvë

Dec 1st, 2007 - 12:43 AM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Good to see you back with us mate and hope life is ok with you?

Im been offline for a few days as my laptop died and had to get a new one, so been playing with my new toy

Feel free to get in touch and stay in touch fella

§tèvë

Andrew

Dec 1st, 2007 - 2:02 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Steve, I’ve got something to say, I’m not quite sure how to go about it but I’m gonna give it a go anyway! I’ve posted on here from time to time, this is a top forum and Steve, you were a great chap to chat with a few years ago when I was just starting to realise what had happened to me. A lot has happened since and there is no going back. Cheers mate.

What I would like to open up is a theory I’ve had for a while now and I was wondering what anybody else thinks – incest and the sexual abuse of children is viewed as an ongoing, self-perpetuating, growing virus type of thing (which it is) but nobody thinks about the fact that it actually does have origins. Somebody, or more to the point, something started it off in the first place. My thinking is that it has close links with the earliest forms of religion.

Before admitting to my dysfunctional upbringing and starting recovery I tried other ways of finding the “answer”, chief among them was reading the bible. Coming to it for the first time as an adult, without having it drummed into me as a child, I was able to view it much more objectively and I realised it’s not a book you can just read, so I forked out on an extremely large book called The Bible Commentary. This book provides all the context and meanings behind some of the indecipherable and apparently meaningless stuff that’s written in there (and most of it in today’s world is meaningless and indecipherable - hence the commentary’s size). But it’s amazing how much is just accepted by followers without question, or without thinking ‘what does this really mean?’ and more significantly ‘what did this mean to those people all those years ago?’

Anyway, to get to my main point, my theory is that civilisation was in trouble as soon as it started embracing any form of idolatry. Start worshipping things that don’t really exist and you’re in serious trouble. Before the old Hebrews escaped slavery and started talking about the idea of god in the desert, the royal Egyptians, Mesopotamians and Canaanites were all pagans. Part of their everyday routine was inter-generational sexual activity, sex with children, the sacrifice of children (if anyone wonders where the horror of ritual abuse comes from) sex with animals and each other, all done in the name of worship.

As an antidote to the ways of their former captors, the original idea of the old testament was to provide guidelines on morality, sex, politics, cultivation, etc, for a group of ex-prisoners now living in the desert and trying to build up a new community, (which makes modern society’s insistence on following what this old book says letter by letter all the more deluded). However, by using an imaginary entity to enforce it rather than just saying ‘this is what we should do chaps’ they fell into the same trap and in fact, by the time Jesus had been murdered and the first churches were being set up, people had started to borrow customs and other stuff from the pagans and mix it up with the old Hebrew teachings and voila!, the confused, overly mystical, symbol-laden culture known by many non-believers as The god delusion.

The fact that there is such a high concentration of sex crimes against children in the various branches of bible-based religions is more than proof of this. Bible based religion is so tightly woven into modern western society, even the secular side of life doesn’t escape unscathed. By definition, child abuse is deeply ingrained into society too as so much of what goes on in life is influenced by a corrupted belief system.

§tèvë

Dec 1st, 2007 - 2:10 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Hi Andrew

Will answer this tomorrow, with luck, as Im of out in a min, but damn good to see you fella

I have my views on this too, and will let you know what they are

§tèvë

Trydeep

Dec 1st, 2007 - 10:00 PM

Re: Dont know what to say?

Thanks Steve. Life is good ! This forum is a real godsend...there when I need it. Will be in touch more often. Hope I can help by posting my story soon and the long ( and as yet unfinished !! ) journey to where I am now. Don't forget guys, every word that you all have written has helped me over the last months. Don't ever underestimate the good that it does - thank you.