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Parcels 43 - Supporting Our Troops
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| Viewing Page 1 of 1 (Total Posts: 30) |
| Author | Comment |
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sharon
May 17, 08 - 1:48 PM |
personality change after afgha
Hi, i have been reading but never posted before, and am now on for a rant, so I am sorry!!! My hubby returned from afghan in october, and has been a different person ever since. he attends the psychiatrist 3 times a week, so he is getting help, but our marriage is sufferring so much. we have been married for 11 years now, and i cant honestly say we are a couple any more. we are married unaccompanied, and can now go for weeks without him contacting me. i believe he is also having an affair now. i feel if i ask him to separate i am being cold as i no he is getting psyciatric help, but should i stay when he is not replying to my phone calls or texts? i saw him 2 weeks ago, and nothing since, and i no he is with someone else, or do i look like a doormat if i let him get over it and wait for him? |
Carol
 May 17th, 2008 - 3:59 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Sharon , I am so sorry things sre not going well for you and your o/h. We hear this so often with PTSD, our troops have to go through such awful experiences, we have no idea, but, and its a big but, you don't have to be treated like this, after 11 years you deserve better treatment. Have you spoken to his psychiatrist? to see if she or he can help with advice, I take it you have spoken to your husband about your feelings and your doubts. Its time for cards on the table Sharon, you cannot go on like this. |
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PinkAngel
May 17th, 2008 - 4:25 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Hiya Sharon and a very warm welcome to Parcels43  . I'm so sorry to hear that you are having this struggle with your husband and can fully empathise how difficult things must be for you at the moment . PTSD is such a soul destroying condition and unfortunately for many of our troops it can lead them on quite a destructive path. Its very good to hear that your husband is getting some help at the moment but i think you could also do with some also hun and its not easy living with someone with this. Although you are maried and love your husband dearly Carol is right when she says that you dont have to treated in this way. You have been patient with him for quite a few months which will be exactly what he needs but you do also have to think about yourself too. If you go to our main page you will see that we have a section called Links , if you click that and scroll down there are two very very good support groups who can give you some advice and they are " Combat Stress " and also " Mind". They have confidential lines for you to be able to talk to them and air your concerns and ask for advice. Is your husband Army , Navy or Raf ? Do you have to live apart from one another ?. We are all here for you Sharon and will help you in any way we can. Please dont feel that you are on your own [hug} xx |
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Teresa
May 17th, 2008 - 4:48 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Hi Sharon, lovely to see you post honey...lets see if we can help you Have you by any chance had any contact with anyone at hubbies base, you could have a confidential chat with the unit welfare officer and explain your fears. If hubby is seaking help then that's a good thing, they had a tough time last year (my lad was over there op herrick 6 too) Alot have returned with problems and I say that with knowledge of others so please don't feel this is only happening to you. You say that everything was fine before he went so I am sure that you will be able to get that back, but you will need to be let in to the help he is getting to allow this. Do you now who he is seeing and if not can you find out? Maybe call or write and say that you feel the problems have effected your relationship, let them know your fears. He may not be seeing someone else, If he is struggling it may be as much as he can do to get himself through his day. Have you asked him out right if he is seeing someone else? You may not get the answer you want but the alternative must be torture to you. Maybe you could take the plunge and go to him, tell him that you need him to be there like he was pre tour. If you would like a chat then send me an email with your mobile and I will give you a ring...  please don't feel alone 
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sharon
May 17th, 2008 - 4:58 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
thanks theresa and pink. we live apart because of my work (and his too!!!). i no he is seeing someone else, i was at his 2 weeks ago, and i had a gut feeling (womans intuition?) i did something i am not proud of, but i read his text messages, and he is very definatley having an affair! I cant ask him about this as he will no i have betrayed him by reading his texts. i hate infidelity, but i also no that he is a different person, and do i wait til he gets better or run now? even 2 weeks ago we were talking about what we would be doing in the future as he is due out of the army in a year, and we were sorting out what we were going to be doing then, the majority of these plans were coming from him, and he seemed so positive, but then to be blanked like this since is unbeliveable |
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sharon
May 17th, 2008 - 5:07 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
theresa - i dont no how to email you from here? |
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Teresa
May 17th, 2008 - 5:09 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Us woman are naturally curios and sometimes we get to see what we dread the most...you showed great restraint in not letting him know what you found, not many would do that. maybe you need to let him know that you ar aware and ask him if its serious, I think that might be the only way to find out where you stand...the alternative is you share him with someone else and would you be happy with that? It must be breaking your heart, you don't deserve this treatment as you obviously love him very much and don't want to throw away your 11 good years....maybe remind him of that and ask if its worth it to him. If he has fallen into the arms of another then he is possibly coping better than you think he is, the decite is so cruel and also a dangrous game for him to play when keeping you in the dark. Do you have children? How is your relationship with his family, could you talk to someone about your concerns? |
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Teresa
May 17th, 2008 - 5:10 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
go to my link in the coordinator page and click email , it will open a link |
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PinkAngel
May 17th, 2008 - 5:10 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Sharon hun if you look to the left under our names you will see a little post box , if you click that the email address will appear for you xxx
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louise
May 17th, 2008 - 5:15 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
hi sharon, so sorry to hear of your troubles, I can't offer any advice but carol, teresa and pink are always very helpful, if you want to email them look them up on the co-ordinator's page and there is a link there to email them. I hope you are able to sort out the situation with your husband, as you have been married for 11 years he must love you, perhaps this affair is a vehicle for him to get something out of his system, it isn't my place to tell you what to do, but in your shoes i would say to him that i had a feeling something was going on, as you said it was your intuition that led you to look at the texts, he doesn't need to know you have seen them does he? your intuition still gave you that feeling. all the best hun, i hope you can come to a happy resolution. Very good luck!!
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sharon
May 17th, 2008 - 5:16 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
theresa, could i talk to you? your email box isnt showing so cant email you for your phone number? |
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Teresa
May 17th, 2008 - 5:29 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
click on my name and the window will open it then says email Teresa or teresatheobald@btinternet.com |
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Teresa
May 17th, 2008 - 7:28 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
lovely talking to you Sharon, I hope it helped you finally talking to someone about the situation. All Sharon has followed parcels43 since pre website, thanks for your ongoing support in keeping up with us. Everyone is here for each other through the highs and the lows of pre/during and post tour
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sharon
May 17th, 2008 - 8:19 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
yes teresa,thank you, I new from the site that you were a saint, you have proved it to me in your phone call today. i still dont no what to do or what i am going to do, but yes actually saying the words out loud helped! Its true, i have been reading here since the site started, but never posted (only ever posted once on ebluey when he was out there too, but do read!) |
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Teresa
May 17th, 2008 - 9:07 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
so glad it helped, as I said you have my number and if I am availiable I will always have time for a chat. You and you alone can decide the way to go, If you think what you had is worth fighting for then you have your answer
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Linda Gibson
May 17th, 2008 - 9:40 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Sharon, there is a chap who posts on SOS who has been through ptsd and he is willing to help anyone who needs him, he is called Mark xx |
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PinkAngel
May 18th, 2008 - 7:33 AM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Linda thats really good that he is willing to help others too even when he has been through alot himself , it must be good for his own recovery i imagine also 
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sharon
May 19th, 2008 - 9:59 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
well i asked him outright if he was having an affair. i told him someone had told me about it, and was it true. he admitted it. he broke down, saying it had been going on for a couple of months and it was just sex. it wasnt a relationship, just sex. he dosnt no why he has done it, dosnt want to see her again, but cant say why he has done it. its been left with me, i dont no if i could ever trust him again, how can you rebuild that trust? has anyone else ever had a bloke cheat on them ? i would be grateful if anyone could tell me if they worked it out and how? feel totally and utterly drained right now, as if someone literally has slapped me on the face. |
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Teresa
May 19th, 2008 - 10:04 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
unable to help on this one sharon as its never happened to me babe...so glad that you built up the courage to ask him though. In a way the ball is also in his court to want to make it work with you. I think forgiving and forgetting are totally different things, you both have to maybe have some time face to face talking about where things have gone wrong and take one day at a time and go on from there
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sharon
May 19th, 2008 - 10:08 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
i no. i managed to constrain myself but also asked a lot of questions about when and where, and i do believe he was being honest with his replies. i think the way he was so open with me when he was asked about it, i think he was relieved i found out, but i told him we would both have to work at it if we were to get through this, but i dont no where to start if that makes sense! i honestly think i am in a state of shock, even tho i new it was happening, i am still shocked at hearing it from him |
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Carol
May 19th, 2008 - 10:15 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Sharon, you will be shocked and when you come to the reality of what your o/h has admitted to, you will deal with it. I don't think any of us can advise you what to do now, its all out in the open and its up to you what happens next, stay strong chick, and hope all goes well. |
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Teresa
May 19th, 2008 - 10:16 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
sharon I really do feel for you babe.....maybe you need to insist on the coming home again at weekends and get back to where you once were together. I think maybe the staying on camp got into a habbit and thats possibly where the problem started? |
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sharon
May 19th, 2008 - 10:19 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
yes, i do have to insist on seeing more of him, i know that, and thats going to be one of the first things i say (but to be honest right now i dont think i would let him in the door if he appeared!). AAARRRRHGGGGHHHHHHH would so love to shout that out loud but would wake my son! |
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Teresa
May 19th, 2008 - 10:32 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
you need time just the two of you if it possible sharon...try to organise this if possible....we will be here for you
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sharon
May 19th, 2008 - 10:36 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
thank you :) I do want us to stay together, but i dont no if i can tho |
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Teresa
May 19th, 2008 - 10:45 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
you'll sort it out I'm sure ....maybe go to a few of his councelling sessions if possible
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sharon
May 19th, 2008 - 10:49 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
there is no way he would let me in on them. he has hinted about what is said in them, and the problems stem back throughout his career, and there is no way he would be able to talk freely to me, and i dont think he really talks freely to the psyciatrist either tho |
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PinkAngel
May 20th, 2008 - 7:01 AM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Oh Sharon im so sorry to hear that hun . Suspecting and knowing are two totally different emotions and i can fully understand why now it feels absolutely devastating hun. You definately did the right thing though to confront him about this and as you say it is now all out and in the open and you feel that his replies were honest to you. That in itself is a good start . When things are completely up in the air small things like a bit of honesty can really help the situation and help you to see where to go from here . If you dont feel ready yet to let him back to the house then that is your choice hun , you have had a big shock and that will take time to adjust to. Maybe you could try planning to see each other in a week or so when you have had some time to yourself to decided how you would like things to carry on from here. Never let anyone else have an ifluence on your decision , there are alot of people that will say you should just leave but they are not in your relationship babe and dont know the feelings that are between you and your husband. I wish you all the very best and sending you lots of xxx
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angie
May 20th, 2008 - 4:34 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
Hi Sharon, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I have been through what you are going through and all though we are trying to make our marriage work, its a bit like being on a rollercoaster. My hubby also has a lot of issues through out his career and has been seeing a counsellor since last september. If you want to email me, please do, I don't want to go into too many details on here, its very personal to me, but I have to say that what Pink put was spot on, the only perton that can make a decision what to do is you. Take care hun xxx |
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Teresa
Jul 15th, 2008 - 8:06 PM |
Re: personality change after afgha
thought this might be a good one to bring back...confused maybe this might you to see others are also having some problems |
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