Support group for service families, friends and those who wish to support our Troops
Please do not post travel info, no dates, times or pick ups ...Thankyou
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Parcels 43 - Supporting Our Troops
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| Viewing Page 1 of 1 (Total Posts: 123) |
| Author | Comment |
Teresa
Mar 20, 08 - 8:35 PM |
New jokes please
come on Paul, tell us some of your finest 
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PaulDaniels
Mar 20th, 2008 - 8:49 PM |
Re: New jokes please
A man goes to the Dr and says " i think my wife is dead " . " What makes you think that ? the Dr said. " Well said the man ," the sex is still the same but the ironing is piling up " . |
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Teresa
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:01 PM |
Re: New jokes please
we had that one the other week paul anyway
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angie
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:08 PM |
Re: New jokes please
I didn't see that one, so
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Sandra B
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:26 PM |
Re: New jokes please
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked 'I was just imagining how condoms are made!' |
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Teresa
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:29 PM |
Re: New jokes please
 Sanda you are naughty nice to see you hon
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PinkAngel
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:31 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Sandra
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Sandra B
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:40 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Hi Guys - thats on of my cleaner ones!!! 
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Teresa
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:43 PM |
Re: New jokes please
can we have a mucky one then
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Sandra B
Mar 20th, 2008 - 9:47 PM |
Re: New jokes please
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple. |
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paul daniels
Mar 20th, 2008 - 10:05 PM |
Re: New jokes please
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the girl. "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?" |
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paul daniels
Mar 20th, 2008 - 10:06 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Posh. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow." |
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Sandra B
Mar 20th, 2008 - 10:08 PM |
Re: New jokes please
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? because they are plugged into a genius |
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Sandra B
Mar 20th, 2008 - 10:12 PM |
Re: New jokes please
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. 'Yes ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes.' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No.' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 'Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' 'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' 'A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What ! is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME .' |
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Teresa
Mar 20th, 2008 - 10:15 PM |
Re: New jokes please
very good all, i am in stitches here
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PinkAngel
Mar 21st, 2008 - 10:00 AM |
Re: New jokes please
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate. Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg? Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war. Interviewer: How did you get that hook? Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife. Interviewer: What about your eyepatch? Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye. Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
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yassy
Mar 21st, 2008 - 10:38 AM |
Re: New jokes please
Last night my sister mary and I were sat chatting in the lounge, I said to her "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine, with fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, if that ever happens..pull the plug." So, she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine! She's such a B**ch! |
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Teresa
Mar 21st, 2008 - 1:52 PM |
Re: New jokes please
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Mandy A
Mar 21st, 2008 - 6:42 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Yassy that was so funny
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Mandy A
Mar 21st, 2008 - 7:49 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Whats the difference between a computer and a Woman A computer won,t laugh at a three-and-half-inch floppy |
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Mandy A
Mar 21st, 2008 - 8:18 PM |
Re: New jokes please
How to impress a Woman cuddle her compliment her kiss her tease her comfort her hug her send her flowers wine and dine her listen to her care for her hold her support her How to impress a man Turn up naked..............with beer
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PinkAngel
Mar 21st, 2008 - 8:23 PM |
Re: New jokes please
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PinkAngel
Mar 21st, 2008 - 9:24 PM |
Re: New jokes please
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall." |
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Teresa
Mar 21st, 2008 - 9:27 PM |
Re: New jokes please
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PinkAngel
Mar 21st, 2008 - 10:00 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons. |
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Teresa
Mar 21st, 2008 - 10:22 PM |
Re: New jokes please
pink , you have a little book too don't you ???? hubby says very good  I finished my forms too phew....£5000 riding on them |
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PinkAngel
Mar 21st, 2008 - 10:29 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Lol no i have a daily email with jokes on Thats good that you have finished it hun , i dont know much about those kind of things . Whats it all for ? x |
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Teresa
Mar 21st, 2008 - 10:42 PM |
Re: New jokes please
I am a trustee for an out of school club, remeber we just put up a new building well we now have some very muddy land and B and Q have a grant thing...I had to tke pics and fill the forms out saying loads of ideas of what we are all about environment/energy/habitats/wildlife/local culture/heritage....detailing the project and what we want...there will be loads of competition throughout the UK too, nothing ventured nothing gained....I have to special delivery the forms though as they need to be there by friday  thats me in a spin
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yassy
Mar 22nd, 2008 - 10:10 AM |
Re: New jokes please
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying totally naked on the sofa. Soft music was playing in the background, and the aroma of perfume was in the air. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work " the daughter-in-law replied. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed "This is my love dress" replied the D-in-L "Love dress? but you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress, everytime he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic, and ravages me for hours" The Mother-in-law left, when she got home she had a shower, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic cd, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to come home. Finally her husband comes home, and see's her lying there provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asks "This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually. "Needs Ironing" he said "What's for dinner?" |
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 2:33 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Reward these soldiers for their work A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!" |
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 2:35 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Give chocolate pudding First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?" Second soldier: "No way, Jose!" First soldier: "Whyever not?" Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!" |
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 2:38 PM |
Re: New jokes please
A young naval student A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir." "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." "Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir." |
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 2:42 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Army fitness report British Military Officer Fitness Reports The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".... - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not breed from this Officer. - This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. - He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. - Technically sound, but socially impossible. - This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. - This young lady has delusions of adequacy. - When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. - This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. - Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. - She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. - He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. - This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. - In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. - The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap - This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. |
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 2:45 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Brag about parents An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat. "My dad has built them." Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!" |
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Mandy A
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 3:14 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Teresa. Where have all these jokes suddenly sprung from?????? Love the one with all the comments on,obviously not right for the job
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 6:27 PM |
Re: New jokes please
don't tell anyone mandy but I googled them
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PinkAngel
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 6:39 PM |
Re: New jokes please
they made me chuckle
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 6:42 PM |
Re: New jokes please
I tend not to know funnies I just do funnies without realising it did you go to your parents for lunch Pink? |
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Linda Gibson
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 6:58 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?.... the taste! 
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PinkAngel
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 7:42 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Ewwww Linda Yes i did Teresa hun it was very yummy , i have been staying there since i spoke to you the other day . Im now back at my home now though 
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Teresa
Mar 23rd, 2008 - 7:59 PM |
Re: New jokes please
YUK Linda thats nice for you pink ..are they far from where you live? |
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PinkAngel
Apr 20th, 2008 - 9:20 PM |
Re: New jokes please
A man was one day going along merrily when he found a sheep. He walked along with the sheep until he saw a policeman and showed the sheep to the policeman. The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the Barn, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again. The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep again ?" " Well " The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the Barn dance and now I'm taking him to the movies." |
Carol
 Apr 20th, 2008 - 9:23 PM |
Re: New jokes please
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PinkAngel
Apr 20th, 2008 - 9:30 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Little bit cheeky this one  A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to swoon. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you leaving in such a hurry ?" She replies, "Well With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
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Teresa
Apr 20th, 2008 - 10:35 PM |
Re: New jokes please
very good Pink
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Linda Gibson
Apr 21st, 2008 - 3:47 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Two old men meet up at the pensioners club "I havent seen you here for a few weeks" comments the first man. "No, I`ve been in jail" "IN Jail? what did you do?" "Nothing. I was just walking in the park when a beautiful young girl and a policeman rushed up and the girl accuse me of indecent assault. Well at my age, i was so flattered, i didnt deny it!!" |
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Kenny Garrick
Apr 21st, 2008 - 5:21 PM |
Re: New jokes please
American Intelligence |
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PinkAngel
Apr 21st, 2008 - 5:30 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Linda that made me chuckle hun
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Mandy A
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 6:22 PM |
Re: New jokes please
This one is naughty Burglar breaks into a house and ties the hubby and wife up on the bed He whispers into the wifes ear then jumps of the bed and goes into the bathroom Whilst he's gone the husband says to his wife be nice to him,do whatever he wants,else he will kill us,i saw him kiss you on the cheek,just be strong i'll love you no matter what happens!!! The wife looks and replies He did'nt kiss me,he whispered he is gay and h---y and looking for the vaseline so i sent him to the bathroom Lets see who's strong now!!!!!! sorry
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Teresa
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 6:44 PM |
Re: New jokes please
That is brilliant Mandy
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Mandy A
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 8:19 PM |
Re: New jokes please
A man has been stranded on an island for 10yrs A beautiful girl swims up in a wetsuit and asks ''how long has it been since you had a cigarette 10yrs said the man she opens a pocket in her wetsuit and produces a pack of fags 'how long since a drink the same said the man she produces a bottle of beer out of another pocket As she starts to undo her wetsuit she asks him how long its been since he played around The man turns to her and says 'bloody hell you have'nt got a set of golf clubs as well' |
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Mandy A
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 8:43 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Woman walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if they sell extra large condoms The pharmasist says yes and would she like to buy some 'oh no' said the woman,'but can i wait around for a man that does' |
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Teresa
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 8:56 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Mandy where have you been digging these up from...if it makes us laugh its a good thing
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Mandy A
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 9:03 PM |
Re: New jokes please
My Daughter sends them on the phone,is'nt she naughty
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Mandy A
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 9:17 PM |
Re: New jokes please
WHO'S THE DADDY Have you heard about the new morning after pill for men???? It changes their blood group I was complemented on my driving today.Got back to my car and on the window screen it said 'parking fine' Thats okay then
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Teresa
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 9:22 PM |
Re: New jokes please
oh Mandy you are on a role today...how are things with your lad?....mine is going sailing for three months tomorrow |
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PinkAngel
Apr 22nd, 2008 - 9:40 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Mandy love those , especially the whos the Daddy ! lol xx
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Suzie
Apr 23rd, 2008 - 5:15 PM |
Re: New jokes please
I might be able to find a joke or few to put on here, but some are a little rude is that allowed?
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Mandy A
Apr 23rd, 2008 - 5:22 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Any rude words just put first letter and then some lines and we can read between them
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Suzie
Apr 23rd, 2008 - 5:28 PM |
Re: New jokes please
OK I will see what I can come up with
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Suzie
Apr 23rd, 2008 - 5:33 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Sinner to Irish Priest, "Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance" Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green? "A new woman in the parish," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance." The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs spread apart, (Sharon Stone-style) The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green? The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
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Suzie
Apr 23rd, 2008 - 5:39 PM |
Re: New jokes please
Science.... The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed............. |
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Kenny Garrick
Apr 23rd, 2008 - 6:00 PM |
Re: New jokes please
The pill for men is a pepple you put it in your shoe and it makes you limp. |
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Teresa
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