Support group for service families, friends and those who wish to support our Troops
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Parcels 43 - Supporting Our Troops
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mum of a boy soldier
Mar 11, 08 - 9:47 PM |
What no one tells you about home coming
This time last year I was on the count down to my 18 year old son to return home after 7 months in a hell hole. Today I took out all the photos of him I had put away. Why did I put them away you ask? Well because it was simply to painful to look at them every day. Now I am getting myself worked up as he has asked to come home tomorrow. His pictures are back on the wall. I am a nervous wreck. Not looking forward to seeing him at all. We haven’t spoken for months. In fact since his return last year we have months of no contact . When he has come home he is bright and cheerful, but it doesn’t last. He will take himself to his room and shut himself away, not talking to any of us for days. Then he will return to camp and again no contact. I hear him sometimes scream out in the night, sometimes its for a medic sometimes its for me, sometimes he will scream ‘get down incoming’ Often the stories of home comings are happy ones but surely I’m not the only one ? Mine is not. I hung out the flags, got his special food in etc, hugged him silly the moment he stepped off the train, cried my tears of joy, my boy was home safe. But what now? What do I do now? I give him space like every one said. I don’t say anything about the dreams, I don’t say anything about the way he has treated his family, I don’t tell him how hurt I am he has shut us out. I do what everyone else has advised me…… and so it carries on. I simply don’t know how to help my son who has seen a bloke get his face shot off, seen his mates screaming and rolling round the floor in agony after a mortar attack, seen soldiers body parts strewn all over the place after a mortar attack, been blown out of his bed during attacks, people die, and the horrific list goes on. None of this is in the hand books you have to beg the army for so you know what to expect when they come home. My boy and that’s what he was when he left is not the same. He is cold, distant and from what I can see lonely. I’m not scared of dying mum he said I’m scared of loosing my limbs and coming back with half a brain. I now brace myself for his next tour….another hell hole. I already hardly recognise my boy. I miss my boy and love him very much. I silently cry for my boy and look for answers. But I tell no one how it really is. Because we dont talk about things like this do we. But this is my reality and my boy's and this is what Home coming was for us. |
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PinkAngel
Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:01 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Im so sorry to hear your story mum of a soldier , home comings should be a joyous occasion but unfortunately and as you are so painfully aware this is not always the case and it is heart breaking. Have you been able to get any advise on post traumatic combat stress ? xx |
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PinkAngel
Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:07 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
We have a link on the front page to http://www.combatstress.org.uk/ . Its a brave thing you have done to come on here and tell us your story and how deeply it has affected your whole family and not just your son. If any of us can help in any way , even if just to send you a hug  we will do our very best to be there for you. There are so many things no person should ever have to see in their young lives , and war zones are one of them xx
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Teresa
Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:26 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
hello mum of a boy soldier..i'm so sorry you are having to go through this alone...you don't have to honey and I know you are feeling so helpless right now...none of our loved ones come back the same as they went when they have gone through what many of them have. your son is suffering from PTSD and he needs help though may not see this for himself, like many of the mothers on here I take it your son is pretty young and posibly his first tour of Duty ....please email me a number I can call you on on the contact link. If you know what camp your son is based on please call and ask for an informal chat with the unit welfare officer, tell hm your concerns and ask him the best way forward....it is no shame for your son to seek help, many grown men who have done many a tour are finding the stress of current tours beyond them. If your son has now been home from tour for some time, try to talk to him about your concerns, if you feel unable to do this ask another family member or a friend to try to talk to him...either way he does need help but its only him and him alone that can seek this help, though you can pave the way to help him to do this and open up lines of communication. most regiments urge the lads to look out for each other and report anthing they are concerned about...if he shares a room the guys will be hearing the same as you....they all have dreams as my own son said he does too only last weekend ...please stay with us and let us help you x teresa x |
Carol
 Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:27 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Please talk to your son, please tell him how you feel, and how worried you are about him. Its time for you to tell him all and how you are worried about him. We don't know the half of what goes on in a war zone, and if you think your son is suffering PTSD then its time he visited a doctor, he needs help. If anyone can help him its his mom, thats why he comes home to you. Hes still your little boy no matter how old he is, so do have a quiet talk to him and let him know your fears. God bless |
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PinkAngel
Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:41 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
There is also another very good site called Mindinfo , and they have alot of information about PTSD , they also have a help line if you feel you cannot yet approach and talk to your son about how he is feeling and also how this is affecting you and your family . The link is http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+post-traumatic+stress+disorder.htm xx |
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Teresa
Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:42 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
thanks for that link Pink ...I will put in in the links page now 
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Teresa
Mar 12th, 2008 - 8:00 AM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
mum of boy soldier...please contact one of us by email, I think you may have written your email in incorrect as my email to you has been returned a couple of times. I hope you feel better today for telling everyone how you have been feeling 
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Sam L ( mum of a sapper )
Mar 12th, 2008 - 9:42 AM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Hi mum of a boy soldier, Iam thinking of you. What teresa and everyone else has said is right, your son needs some help. My son was only 18 when he went out last year and even now he still has dreams about it. Only last weekend he dreamt he was coming under attack and ended almost thumping his girlfriend in his sleep. So they are all suffering in one way or another. please email if you want a chat . Take care , xxx |
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Samantha Gaea Crozier
Mar 12th, 2008 - 12:00 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Im really sorry wish I was there with a massive hug to give you. it's hard and you need to talk abou tit maybe not with him but with others. Please call Army confidential support there number is 0800 731 4880 they will be able to give advice and are really good for just listening |
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Teresa
Mar 12th, 2008 - 12:18 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Thanks for posting that number Sam....I hope that mum of boy soldier comes back and draws some support from us on here
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mum of a boy soldier
Mar 12th, 2008 - 3:06 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Hello every body. Thankyou all so much for your replies, i was in two minds as to wether or not I should post as the last thing I want to do is upset anyone. But I have felt so alone since my boy got back from his tour. I have noted the info given out and thankyou all so much. I feel I cant speak to anyone at my sons base as I know he wouldn't want me to. Whilst he was away he did spend some time with the Padre as it had been noted my son had been out on several patrols with a number of serious incidents where soldiers had been injured. But the Padre has since left the regiment. As far as I am aware he was the only person my son opened up to. Since then he has spoken to no one and says he has to get on with things, as he's not the only one who went through the tour and after all he came back in one piece. Thats it as far as he is concerned. I think he believes its a sign of weakness and a cop out to ask for help. We were close but since he has been back he has distanced himself. Whilst he was out there he said mum I need to talk to you, I need to tell you whats going on out here, I dont know how I am going to live with myself. When he returned I just said I am here for you son if and when you need me, I will never judge you, I will always love you and though things you may say may be shocking I wont break. I will be strong for you. He replied 'mum believe me you wouldn't want to hear, you don't need to know and I don't want to bring that S*hit hole into our home, they are my memories and I will deal with them. So please leave it, the only people who will understand are those who were out there with me' I could only reply ok but I'm always here. He is home now for a while, first time I have seen him or spoke to him in months. So we will see how things go over the next few days. My stomach is in knots. I just want to hug him. I did get your email Teresa, thankyou. Thankyou all once again. I will post again in a few days. Please excuse me for not giving my name but I dont want to make things anymore difficult for my son and I dont think he would be to happy knowing I have posted on here. MOABS is shorter than mum of a boy soldier ps Im sorry if my post upsets or worries anyone. I so needed to say something to someone. |
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PinkAngel
Mar 12th, 2008 - 3:20 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Im so glad you came back and posted MOABS , please dont worry about your post , that is what this site is for , as Teresa once said to myself and also to my hubby when he came on here a few days ago , the site is about support , nothing more and nothing less . Regardless of what we are going through we are all there for each other and will be for you also. So to start here is a huge  and welcome to Parcels 43. I can fully understand and empathise with you about not wanting to make the situation any more difficult for your son , and i think it just has to be a case of taking each day slowly now that he is home and hopefully he will start to open up to you a little more . Maybe you can mention to him that although he doesnt want to bring his memories into the home where he feels safe , that maybe he could look at the information sites we have given you, when he is alone and see how he feels about it and if he feels he may need to talk to someone. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you both that he does.Also for yourself be kind to yourself and dont beat yourself up about this , your son is very lucky to have a mother like you that is concerned for all the right reasons about him xx |
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Linda Gibson
Mar 12th, 2008 - 3:50 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
I`m really sorry to hear that this is happening to you, I think it must be one of the things we all dread, the Armed Forces should be doing a lot more to help our troops... I hope things work out for you....
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Teresa
Mar 12th, 2008 - 4:12 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
I hope that you find that in the time that you have not seen your son that things have settled more for him....th guys can only get help if they tell someone that they need it....trouble is that the guys see it as somesort of failing if they admit they need to talk, I rang that confidential helpline myself earlier as I added their link to the site, the call is free and there is someone there that is not going to judge in any way,they are open untill 11.30 at night.......Please do let us know if things have settled more this visit, we will be thinking of you
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PinkAngel
Mar 12th, 2008 - 4:56 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
They are good arent they Teresa
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Mandy A
Mar 12th, 2008 - 7:12 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Moabs,i have just come on and read your letter. I am so sorry to read of your troubles,we are all here to give you any support we can. Teresa and Pink know who you can get in touch with for professional help,but we are here for moral support when and if it is needed.I hope your son will find a way to tell you his troubles as you sound a very caring mother,and it is hard when they can't talk to you as they used to. Please use us as support for yourself we are always here
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louise
Mar 12th, 2008 - 8:48 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Hi MOABS, I have also just come on and read your letter, my b/f is coming back soon, and i have always had concerns about how they come back...specially after rnr. I really hope that the info everybody has given will be a help to you and your son, I have no information to offer you, just my prayers...they will be with you, your son and your family.  Take care, you can't help anybody if you don't look after yourself. xx |
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Jilly
Mar 13th, 2008 - 11:15 AM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
IVe just read your posting ,mum of a boy soldier , my heart goes out to you . I so know what you mean , we dont get a handbook with it . We dont know what to expect when they come home or how to deal with what that have seen and been through. And seeing your son suffer , kills you , all you want to do is make it better & make all the hurt go away , but we cant . Only time and our support and love can help try to heal what they have been through . I know the feeling of walking on egg shells, ive been there too , all you can do is let him know you are always there for him . And remember we are here for you , you need the support as much as he does . If ever you need a chat dont hesitate to get in touch .Everyone who comes back from tour deals with things in different ways .Dont let him push you too far away , let him know you aint going no where , Keep strong . XX |
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Tracey
Mar 13th, 2008 - 2:38 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Hi Moabs i've only just read what you posted and the girls pretty much have the professional advice side of things tied down. My son came back last year same time as Teresa's and his first week he was quiet, grumpy and spent a lot of time on his own. I did speak to him and he tried harder with me and his sis. There are so many service personnel who will be returning like this and although it doesn't feel like it, the help is there you just have to ask. I know from my son and what he says, that there is no way he would seek help for PTSD if he thought he was suffering from it. The problem is they don't know and they go on refusing help for years. Be strong and be there, but from what you have said you will be anyway. My thoughts are with you, what a great mum you are.
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Tracey
Mar 13th, 2008 - 2:49 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Moabs contd ..... I work with the military and i know full well it is affecting more of them than people realise. I do know that one way the lads have of dealing with what they have seen and done is: They were part of a team out there and there's no reason why that has to stop. When anyone is feeling awful, has had horrible dreams etc they phone one another and talk about what they experienced. They can call one another at any time of day or night and they talk and then put the phone down feeling more at peace with themselves. Does your lad have a few good mates that experienced the same things, becuase bet your bottom dollar they are going through the same thing and maybe they could do the same as the lads i know. Perhaps you could say you read about it in the paper and you think it's a really good idea, and ask if he has any friends who may be finding it hard to deal with. You could suggest he sets it up to help his friends out, and that way you are not trying to suggest it's him with the problem. If you ever want a chat with one of the lads here, email me and i'll set it up for you, and it would go no further i promise. Hang in there, they will take a bit of time to ajust to life back here. As the girls have said we are all here for you. |
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Teresa
May 10th, 2008 - 9:20 AM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Moabs, if you are still looking in on us can you let us know how things are going please
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PinkAngel
May 10th, 2008 - 9:28 AM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Yes it would be lovely to hear from you hun and just to know that you are ok and also your son. Please feel free to email any one of us if you would rather not post publically x |
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Alex
May 11th, 2008 - 2:37 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
hi, i've only just come online as I have been having trouble with my computer. I read your post and all I can say is I know, I know exactly how you feel my boyfriend has exactly the same thing, I got together with him after his tour so I wasn't around then but I now have to deal with it when he's home. both me and my boyfriend would love to help and as he is going through it and he knows the kind of things he saw then it may help, he may also be able to give you an insite to what is going through your sons mind. I'm not sure if i can post my e-mail address on here, but someone will pass it on to you, or even my telephone number, i know how it feels to wake up at night hearing the person you love screaming in their sleep, while my boyfriend was out there a terrible terrible thing happened to him which has effected not just him and his whole life but his family too. please please contact me and i will do my very best to help as will anyone here. |
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Teresa
May 11th, 2008 - 4:54 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Alex babe your email address is there already if you click on the little symbols beside your name..if you don't want them to show up when you post next just leave them off when you reply to a thread |
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yassy
May 12th, 2008 - 3:22 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
MOABS, I have found that sometimes writing them a letter with your thoughts help, perhaps they won't reply, but pop it under their pillow, allow them the time to read it, and sometimes re read it, it may help them to understand, and even reply in a letter with their thoughts and feelings. hugs for you.
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louise
May 14th, 2008 - 7:31 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
hello alex, what lovely people you and your boyfriend are to offer to help when you are getting through it yourselves, hope all is going well for you both. xx |
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Helen Roberts
May 26th, 2008 - 3:28 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
New to this site so only just read your letter.I hope you and your son have talked a little.I can't bear the thought of my son 'changing' he is so happy and good company.We hurt because we can't protect them anymore. Hug and thoughts to you and your family x |
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Teresa
May 26th, 2008 - 3:48 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
we haven't heard any more from MOABS Helen, though we are hoping that things have settled |
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moabs
Jun 2nd, 2008 - 6:00 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Hello every body I'm really sorry I havent been back to update you with whats been happening. I had a family big crisis...which at first really was quite bad. But some good came of it all. As a family we were all pretty shaken up including my son. It appears to have been a turning point, My lad came home for a week and spent quality time with us all. We talked about a lot of things and it turns out my son was working through his tour... by this I mean he was saying this time last year this happened or we were doing this. Well this time last year he arrived home tour complete. Theres no more days to work through. Does that make sense? Sinse our crisis he has been a truely loving and caring son and was phoning me nearly every day. I only say was because he has been deployed on Spearhead. He has changed and there will always be underlying issues I feel, but he has opened up some. Not sure when he is due to return to the UK, its supposed to be a short deployment,we will see I guess all depends on how much things kick off. Fingers crossed wont be to long. Thankyou all so much for you kind words and advise. All the very best to you all  xxxxxx |
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Helen Roberts
Jun 2nd, 2008 - 6:25 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
It's so good that you are still looking in! I'm a MOABS too, and hope I have the same strength when it comes to it, very best wishes to you all
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Teresa
Jun 2nd, 2008 - 6:50 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Hi Moabs, lovely to see you post, I am so glad that your lad seems to be coming through the other side. I think sometimes it takes a family crisis to make you all come together and work through things...lovely also to see your boy hadn't really left you at all, he was just temporarily lost. Please feel free to join us any time
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alex
Jun 2nd, 2008 - 7:02 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
you know where we all are |
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Karen H
Jun 2nd, 2008 - 7:57 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Hi just thought i would add a little footnote and not wanting to keep dwelling on my situation with my son, but we had a lovely long chat on msn saturday night and we've gone over some things and worked them out, so in some strange way im glad he has gone, tho obviously not in other ways , because i think hes had time to reflect and we talked like we never have before xx |
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Linda Gibson
Jun 2nd, 2008 - 8:20 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Thats really good Karen , Jamie and I certainly became closer before he went on tour.... I just wanted him to be sure that I loved him!! |
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Teresa
Jun 2nd, 2008 - 8:55 PM |
Re: What no one tells you about home coming
Had a call from my Lad the other day and a message yesterday too, him going Sailing was a blessing as we were struggling with the way he was treating us, sometimes I think its forgotten that we are a home and not a barrack room and we are family not Army mates. I'm sure alot of parents will know where i'm coming from especially after tour |
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